Trust God, Not Google: The Lesson Reiterated

In my last blog post, I shared the lesson I learned in a very real, personal, and powerful way to “trust God and not google.”  I wish I could say that I was perfect at trusting God and turning to Him before google, but I am a very imperfect person.  And imperfect people tend to struggle a bit before lasting changes are made.  But the other day, I had yet another powerful experience about putting my trust in God before turning to google that I felt prompted to share here.  I know God is really trying to tell me something here, and I feel so grateful for His patience, grace, and love towards me and all of His children. 

            

Recently, I was experiencing a bit of a pity party in the middle of the night.  I felt hurt, berated, frustrated, angry, and confused.  In the midst of my negative feelings, I wanted answers.  I wanted validation.  I wanted to read about all the other people who had experienced similar experiences and were hurt, upset, and angry too, so that I could say, “See!  I have a right to feel this way!  I am right, and I have the right to feel angry, hateful, and spiteful.”  But with this temptation to “google it,” a gentle impression and reminder came to my mind: “You know that those feelings you will feel and the conclusions you will draw from googling it will not help you in the end.  Turn off your phone and kneel on your knees.”

Over the next several moments, I fought the temptation to google it and I turned to God instead.  I walked into my front room, I knelt on my knees, and I poured my heart out in prayer.  Immediately, I felt an indescribably love fill up my soul.  I felt validation, that it was understandable to feel the way I felt, but much more important than the validation I was seeking, I felt DIRECTION.  Steps I needed to take to make my circumstance better kept coming to my mind.  It felt like a flood of answers I hadn’t known I needed, but those answers made perfect and clear sense to me.  It was absolutely amazing, and the gratitude and love that I felt from God was incredible.

Now, my prayers are not often answered like this one was.  Sometimes I have to wait for responses to come.  Sometimes, answers come from other people, church talks, or impressions days or weeks later.  But I feel like God was really trying to teach me a lesson here, or rather reiterate the lesson I had previously learned: TRUST IN HIM.  The real answers I received from Him are so vastly different from the answers I find when I obsessively google.  While I would have found validation through what google could provide, I would have also felt confusion, victimization, self pity, self doubt, insecurity, and an increased resentment towards others.  Instead, when I chose to turn to God in faith, I found validation, direction, insight, peace, hope, love, wisdom, and truth.

This experience reiterated my need to think before I search, and to turn to God first.  God is the only source who has REAL, personal, individualized answers.  Any answer to any question can be found online, but those answers often cannot be trusted.  God is the only one who has all the answers for every personal life experience.  To block him out is to block out the very source of all the love, direction, and joy every soul craves.

Several days after this experience, I went on a run with my sweet friend Melissa Johnson.  Right in the middle of relaying my experience to her, we came across these signs: “Talked to God lately?” “Now would be a good time.” “James 1:5” We were laughing about the crazy coincidence and took pictures by each sign.  What is James 1:5?  It is the very scripture that led 14-year-old Joseph Smith to pray out loud for the first time in his life.  A prayer that opened the heavens and began the dispensation of times.

“11 While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.

13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to “ask of God,” concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

14 So, in accordance with this, my determination to ask of God, I retired to the woods to make the attempt. It was on the morning of a beautiful, clear day, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray vocally.

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

17 It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"

Over the last several years, I have come to love this account from Joseph Smith.  I have experienced my own “anxieties” and “desires of my heart.”  I have also felt “thick darkness” and felt as if I were “doomed to destruction.”  And although I have not seen a vision of God and His Beloved Son, I too have experienced delivery from despair and destruction.  I too have experienced the light, brightness, and wisdom of God.  And I too, cannot deny the existence of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who has delivered us all from physical death, and can provide peace to every person who turns to Him.

I love that we all hear God differently.  I love that we can all have a unique relationship with God.  We can hear Him in the innocent voice of a child.  We might see Him in the beauty of the blossoming spring or feel His touch in the warmth of the summer’s sun and the crispness or the autumn breeze.  We can know Him through the kindness of a friend and the miracle of giving birth to new life and watching that life grow and change and create a life of their own.  We understand Him through developing our unique, individual creativity, because He is the ultimate creator.  We can breathe in His love and grace through music that touches the soul, the simple love and loyalty of a furry friend, and the hope and change each new day brings.  He is real.  He is as real as you and me.  His existence and His love should not be discounted.  To do so would be to limit the reception of His goodness, wisdom, and never-ending gifts.  To do so would be to deplete life of the hope that comes from this Eternal truth: that God lives.  And because of this, there is no death, there is no end!  Change, peace, and joy can always be found! 

I am grateful for the lessons God has so graciously taught me over the last several years of difficult trials.  I know that He can use our weaknesses, trials, and challenges for our benefit and the benefit of others.  He is wise.  He is good.  He is love.  And his goodness, wisdom, and love should be trusted above all else.  I hope to remember this lesson time and time again when I am tempted to search for instant answers online.  I hope to always remember the peace and answers He provides cannot be replicated by anything else.  He lives, He loves us, and He can provide all the answers we need, if only we will ask in faith. 

Trust God, Not Google: The Lesson Learned

I have found in the recent years that I am a bit of a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (haha oh the irony!)  With the stress and unknowns of motherhood and becoming an adult, whenever I found myself battling a fear-based thought about myself, my life, or close family members, what would I do?  Well, like every other person living in the 21^st century I would pull out my smart phone and GOOGLE IT.  

Within seconds, I had access to an endless number of articles, facts, and discussion boards.  Immediately, I could search out and find the answers I was looking for!  And it was SO easy.  I mean, why not utilize a search bar that contained the answers to all of life’s questions, right?  But what I quickly began to realize, is that while I could find answers to any question on google, those answers did not bring any amount of peace my soul was longing for.  In fact, whenever I googled a fear-based thought, google seemed to confirm the worst of my fears.  And this sent me down a rabbit-hole of googling until I was sure that the worst things were happening to me, and that there was no hope for change in my future.  Why?  Because I found countless articles, facts, and discussion boards to prove it. 

What started out as one seemingly harmless google search in a state of fear, progressed to severe anxiety, paranoia, and a deep and dark depression.  I felt completely hopeless, sure that terrible, previously unimaginable things were coming my way.  I stayed in this pit of despair for several months and it was indescribably miserable.  Until one day, I knelt on my knees and I prayed.  I prayed like I had prayed constantly since depression began to creep into my life: “Hey God, this is killing me.  If you truly care about me, will you please just take this pain away?  I can’t live like this any longer.”  But this time was different.  This time I received an answer.  The thoughts conveyed to my mind: “You need to stop searching the internet.  Stop looking for answers through google.  The peace you are looking for cannot be found online.”  What??  STOP googling it?  Who would have thought, right? 

Shortly after this experience, I reread a conference talk by the beloved prophet of God, President Russell M. Nelson, titled “Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives.”  In this talk, he outlines how to receive personal revelation from God: “Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the principle of revelation.’” I continued to read this confirmation from a prophet of God that “Googling It” was not going to bring me any peace: “We live in a world that is complex and increasingly contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation.”

Reading these words, combined with the answer I received from prayer, made a serious impression on me.  I determined to finally, FINALLY stop “GOOGLING IT.”  I determined to stop looking for answers to serious personal questions online and turn to God instead, believing that He would help me change.  I followed the outline President Nelson suggested to receive personal revelation and I changed the way I prayed.  Instead of asking God to take the pain away, I asked Him what one thing was that I could do to change the way I thought and felt.  What was one thing I could do to feel more peace in my life? 

What happened in the following months was nothing short of miraculous.  I DID receive answers.  After I prayed, I would listen, and then I would write down any positive action that came to mind.  Instead of focusing on all my fears of what could happen, I put all of my energy into doing that one thing I felt God asked me to do.  Text a friend, share an experience on my blog, take Avery to the park and really play with her, write a gratitude note to Trevor.  I even felt prompted to go visit my brother in Guatemala and help with his non-profit school, which was incredible and blessed my life in multiple ways.  Quickly, what once felt like consuming hopelessness and despair, was replaced with peace, light, and joy.  As my brother told me at the time, “the best way to stop fighting the darkness is to stop fighting the darkness and turn on a light.”

Nowadays, we have immediate access to so much knowledge, but we are lacking in wisdom.  In my experience, true wisdom comes from He who is the giver of all good things: our Father in Heaven.  Within a relationship with God there are answers no amount of “googling it” can find.  There is wholeness, purpose, and joy no other relationship can fulfill.  There is hope for all, because we all came from Him.  We are all known personally by Him.  And we are loved completely, incomprehensibly, miraculously by Him.  He who has given us life, and all that we have.  He has all the answers and longs to give them to us, if we only ask in faith, believing in His love, believing we will receive.  But a relationship with God takes time, energy, and trust.  And God knows that if He just snapped His fingers and made everything better for us, we wouldn’t grow.  We wouldn’t truly know Him or understand who He really is and what characteristics He possesses.  

I know that no question is too trivial, and no problem is too great to bring to Him who truly cares, who understands, and who has all the answers.  Right now, we are living in a time of fear and confusion since the onset of COVID-19.  Many people are suffering in a variety of ways, searching for answers to their problems.  While it is good to be aware of what is going on, I know that obsessively focusing on fear-based thoughts of what the future might hold does not and cannot yield peace.  Google, the news, articles, etc. can be insightful, but there is only One who truly knows the personalized, individual answers each of us need to find.  There is only One who can provide the peace our souls long for, in and through His son, Jesus Christ.    

Take any question you have to God and listen for answers.  Write them down.  Act.  He wants to help.  He knows the answers.  Look to Him and respond in faith.  As the giver of all life and the creator of the world, there is no limit to what He can do and the miracles He can perform in your life through faith! 

“Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you.  For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” -Luke 11:9-10

My Oil Lamp

Oh my goodness, it has been forever since I last posted!  I've had several posts that I began to write, but never got around to finishing.  But this morning as I was praying, I felt like I needed to post something today and share my testimony in writing.  

A few months ago, I came across a book that my grandma had given me when I was still in school.  It was about the parable of the 10 virgins and each woman was given a specially carved lamp to use throughout their lives.  They needed to visit the lamp maker, the Savior, often to replenish their lamps with oil.  As we know from the scriptures, 5 were wise and used their lamps often, frequently turning to the Savior to fill their lamps with oil, and 5 were foolish, letting their lamps go unused and forgetting their need for the Savior in their lives.  

When I read the story about one foolish virgin in particular, my heart sank as I related to her story.  This woman was given a lamp that looked plain on the outside and didn't seem to compare to the lamps of the other 9 virgins.  She stopped using her lamp because she didn't feel that it was good enough to serve the purpose it was crafted to serve.  But what she didn't realize is that the Savior specially carved her lamp particularly for her, and that in time with a lot of use, an intricate design would shine through, with a beautiful jewel hidden in the center of her lamp.    

Honestly, this last year I've felt like a bit of a hot mess. :)  I found myself comparing my life and myself to others and feeling like I am falling way short.  Satan is really good at helping us see all of our weaknesses, and this last year I've had many times where I have felt very discouraged and lost, then ashamed for feeling discouraged and lost, because I know that I am very blessed and I just shouldn't be feeling those kind of feelings!  But what I have found through my personal trials, is that God truly is aware of me and He does have a plan for me!  He is aware of each of us and loves us all more than we could comprehend.  His love and power is real, and greater than any trial we might experience in our lives.  He has helped me see light through the darkness, and feel joy through my challenges.  

Today as I was driving into Tucson for an appointment, I was thinking about the parable of the 10 virgins and spoke the following into my phone.  I typed it out tonight and decided to share it on the blog, in hopes that I might be able to help someone who might be facing similar difficulties.  If anyone reading this feels lost or discouraged in any way, know that you are not alone, and there is real hope and power through turning to Christ.  He is truly the light and the way!  

My Oil Lamp

By Kristen Laursen

6/12/18

Before I came to earth, I knew who I was.  I knew that God had a special plan for me; that He had good things prepared for my life.  I was excited to come down to earth; to be a part of a wonderful family, and to learn, grow, stretch, and become.

I knew I’d have struggles, I knew I’d have challenges, and I knew I’d have trials.  I knew that I would learn how to truly love, and that I would lose some of those in life that I loved the most.  I knew of the sorrow and pain life would bring, yet I felt so much joy and excitement to come to earth because I knew of God’s glory, goodness and grace.  

Before I came to earth, God gifted me with a lamp, as He did for each of His children, that He had carved so delicately with His own hands. On the outside it looked plain, but I was grateful and excited.  He told me that in life I would need to retrieve the oil required to use my lamp.  I would need to cherish it.  I would need to use it often, every day to light my way along the path of life.  With a smile on my face and tears pouring down my cheeks, I thanked Him with a heart full of gratitude.  I felt determined to use my lamp to the best of my ability, to light my way and help others find their way through life as well. 

And then I came to earth and I forgot.  I was sent to loving parents who taught me of God’s plan; who taught me about faith and love and hope; who taught me from the scriptures.  I had faith in their words, and I looked up to them as examples, but I didn’t know how to use my lamp on my own.  I held it in my hands and my parents showed me how to fill it with oil, how to make it work; and as I watched the flickering flame, I felt excited, grateful, and hopeful.

But then I got older.  I left my parents, seeking out life on my own.  I brought my lamp with me, but I wasn’t ready; I wasn’t prepared.  I wasn’t prepared for the challenges life would bring, and I didn’t truly understand how my lamp could be used to light my way through the darkness of my trials.  So the trials came, and I tried to light my lamp, and a small, dim light shone through it.  But I noticed the plainness of my lamp.  I looked around and I saw the lamps of others, how brightly they shone, how beautiful they were carved, and how much goodness and light and glory shone through them. 

I looked back at my tiny flame and felt confused.  This light wasn’t good enough.  My lamp wasn’t beautiful enough.  It didn’t produce what it needed to.  I was ashamed; I burned out the light, and I hid my lamp. I found myself in complete and utter darkness.  I felt afraid, lost, and alone; not knowing where to go.  I wandered around in the darkness seeking and pleading for help.  “Where is the light?  Where is the light that Christ promised?”

And as I sought and I searched, in time I found it: a light brighter than any other light I’d ever seen.  The light of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  As I approached His light, the Savior said, “Dear child, why do you fear?  Do you not know that I am greater than all things, that I am truth, that I can take what is broken and make it whole?  Take out your lamp, and light it with my love, every single day.  This takes work.  It takes effort.  It takes heart and soul.  But if you take my yoke upon you, your burdens will become light, and you will find joy, and gladness and goodness in your life.”

So I took out my lamp, I felt the rough edges, and I looked at the plainness of it.  I handed it over to Christ and He helped me fill it with oil.  He gently placed it back into my hands and commanded that I use it every day, and as I use it, I will begin to find the beauty in it.  And so with greater fervor and faith, I pressed forward and I used my lamp, letting it be seen by all those around me. 

I glorified God, expressing gratitude that He gave me a lamp, and I used it every day.  I put oil in it as I studied the scriptures, as I learned about the Savior, and as I thought about how I could serve others.  I put oil in it as I expressed gratitude to God for the gifts that I have been given: for music, for poetry, for family, for revelation, for the gospel, for prophets and apostles.  I listened to their words and applied them.  I let head knowledge become heart knowledge as I learned and gained wisdom, and acted in faith.  I tried to serve in any way that I could think of serving.  I placed effort in little things like smiling at other people, making cookies for a friend, writing poetry, sharing my testimony in small and simple ways, and expressing gratitude for the things I was able to do.

As I did this every single day, I noticed that as my lamp was used, a beautiful, intricate design began to appear.  This lamp, it was meant to be used.  And as it was used, the light shone through it brighter and brighter as the design began to manifest itself, and a beautiful, emerald jewel began to shine through it, after years of use.  Others began to see the beauty in it too, and together we shared the beauty of our individual lamps.  I not only rejoiced in what I had been given, but I rejoiced in the beauty of others, for what they had to share as well. 

I felt more connected to God as I sought for the light of Christ to shine through me.  I understood that I had to use my agency to choose to follow Him.  That it was hard.  That Satan knew my trials as well.  He knew what tools to utilize to cause me to want to hide my lamp.  But that through the Savior, through seeking out revelation from the Holy Ghost, and through expressing gratitude to God every day for the goodness that I was able to do, I could let my light shine through the darkness and find my way! As my light shone brighter and brighter and my heart grew with gratitude and joy, love and peace, I found my way back into my loving Savior’s arms.

And with gratitude, I knelt at his feet, with arms outstretched and my lamp laying in the center of my palms, as an offering to Him.  And He said, “Well done, my good and faithful servant, enter into my rest.” I praised His name forever and ever, knowing that without Him, I could do nothing.  Without Him, I am as the dust of the earth.  But with Him, all things are possible.

"Ye are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.” -Matthew 5:14-16

My Prayer

Life is hard.  I’ve been listening to Hilary Weeks’ amazing new CD lately, “Love Your Life,” and I love the line in one of her songs that says something like “it seems the people who don’t have any problems are people I don’t know very well.”  The more people I get to know, the more I realize that everyone has their own battles to fight in life.  Everyone has their own problems, trials, and difficult times.  Several friends, who would make absolutely amazing parents, struggle with infertility.  They are doing everything they can to stay faithful and hopeful, and I am sure at times they ask, “Why God?  Why will you not allow me to bring a child into my home when I’m doing everything you ask of me?  You promised me blessings, and I’ve dreamed about becoming a parent my whole life.  Why won’t you let me have a baby?”  Friends and family members battle with severe, debilitating depression or anxiety.  I’m sure they plead with Heavenly Father, as I have, “Why God?  Why am I suffering so much inside?  Why can’t you take this away from me?  Wouldn’t I be able to make so much more out of my life if I wasn’t battling this negativity?”  Others I know struggle with daily physical pain that makes it difficult to live life.  Some have lost their sight, their hearing, their limbs, their memories.  Some spend their lives in loneliness because they were never able to get married.  Many struggle with a wayward child, an unexpected death of a loved one, the loss of employment, cancer diagnosis.  It seems to me at times that the whole world is looking up, asking “Why God??  I know life wasn’t meant to be easy, but why this? I wish it was anything but this.” Adding my own plea to others, “Why God?  Why did my sister and my family have to suffer so much?  Why did she struggle with mental battles so constantly in her life that ended up completely consuming her?”  The day I found out of her death, all I could say was “Why? Why? Why?” over and over and over again. 

The truth is, life is very unfair.  It is very difficult.  More difficult and unfair than I ever imagined it would be when I was young.  But also, the truth is, life is a precious gift.  Among all the craziness and difficulties, we each experience blessings, little miracles among the trials.  Light among the shadows.  Hopeful things that occur every day if we open our eyes to see them.  The people that amaze and inspire me the most are those who face their own difficulties with fierce determination to keep fighting the fight, discover the positives in life, and figure out how to find joy in their journeys.  They take what they are given, and learn how to make it beautiful, no matter their trials.  I’ve been inspired by others, time after time, who tell me trials I never imagined they were struggling with because their life seemed so together and wonderful.  I’ve wondered how they do it.  How do they keep finding the will to fight, how is their faith so strong, and their backs so straight while carrying the heavy weight of their trials?  How I hope and strive to be like them, to have that kind of determination to not only never give up faith and hope, but to lift up and inspire people along the way. 

I wonder if the question that these people ask is not “Why,” but “What now?”  While many feel the need to blame God, others, and themselves for the Hell that they are living (something I battle with at times), spending so much energy on the “whys” doesn’t get them anywhere.  It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  The people who inspire me the most seem to take and accept what life brings, while saying “OK, Lord.  This is how things are.  What now?  What good things can I do with my life?”  The people who inspire me most have taken their trials, debilitating as they seem, and used them to provide opportunities for themselves.  Group therapy leaders and counselors that have struggled with depression for years, now providing hope and help for those with similar struggles.  Parents of a handicapped child reaching out to parents and families with similar children to let them know they are not alone, and providing helpful resources for them.  Elderly friends who have never married or had children have reached out to families, becoming second moms to children around them, giving all of their love and support.  Friends with infertility put their trust in God and keep moving forward, some choosing to adopt, continue rounds of IVF, or looking for other options to determine what is best for their family.  My Grandma Hunter had macular degeneration but still spent hours cooking and providing delicious Sunday dinners for her grandchildren in Cedar City, even though it was difficult for her to read the recipes.  Motivational speakers who have lost limbs or experienced unusual traumatic events choose to learn from them and share what they learn.  Loved ones who battle mental struggles find ways they can serve and give and do something to help other people, although they are suffering themselves.  These people are my heroes.  These people give me strength, and hope, and faith to keep going, and keep trying.    

I know that each of us, no matter what trials we are given in life, can make the choice to ask in faith
“What now, Lord?  Help me to discover what I can do with the life I’ve been given.” We can accept our struggles for what they are, finding ways to learn life lessons from our own experiences, however difficult they might be.  Life is hard and so unfair, but we have God, and we have each other.  I hope to never give up faith among my questions and tendencies to doubt.  I hope to never give up hope among the feelings of despair.  And I hope to notice the tender mercies and the many miracles that occur in life at times that it feels like I am consumed by all the struggles.  Although it may not feel like it, life is a beautiful gift, and each of us can do something to help someone else, and to help ourselves.  Each of us is a child of God with endless potential, and each of us is loved and important to Him, no matter how alone, inadequate, or unworthy we might feel.  Life throws unexpected twists and turns at every one of us, but my hope for all of us is that as we make each turn, we faithfully look up to God and ask, “What now?  What good things can I do with my life?” And that by trusting in His hand, He will guide us forward, so that when all is said and done, we can look back and realize what a beautiful journey life was. 

My Prayer 

By Kristen Laursen
(7/25/2016)

You told me life would be hard, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the self-doubt and resentment
I didn’t expect the negativity I’d have to fight
I didn’t expect all these feelings of inadequacy and anxiety
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would be good, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way the sound of the birds and the bristling of trees would fill my heart
I didn’t expect how music would lift me up and empower me to create
I didn’t expect the beauty I would be witness to on this earth-the red rock, towering mountains, bubbling brooks, and the majesty of the ever-changing seasons
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me grief, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way my heart would break in two when I witnessed those I love suffer
I didn’t expect the way it seemed my whole soul quivered with worry of the unknown
I didn’t expect to lose my sister and best friend so soon
I didn’t expect the fear and concern that would ignite the moment she left this earth
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me love, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect how it would feel to be wrapped in the arms of my husband, at times when I needed a friend the most
I didn’t expect how my heart would leap with joy when I heard the first cries of my tiny newborn daughter
I didn’t expect the amount of love and devotion I would feel for my family-the fierce determination to do all I can do to help them find joy
And I didn’t expect the Love I would feel from You.  At moments when I’m too weak to stand, and through pleading for help, You lift me. 

Through the joy and the pain, the grief and the sorrow, the worry and the fear, Your love will always be there, surrounding and strengthening me, lifting me up through a life full of unexpected happiness and sorrows. 

And so, as I turn the corner to the next unexpected-unknown, please fill me with Your love and give me the strength to carry on through it all.  And help me to recognize blessings through the sadness and the fear, the grief and the pain. 

So that one day, when I return Home again, I can feel gratitude and joy for the life I have lived and be completely surrounded by Love.   

Painful Love

I wrote this letter a while ago during another one of those sleepless nights. As I was thinking about it today, I thought that this concept really applies to loss of love in all of its forms, and so I thought I would share it in hopes that it might help someone suffering from the pain of losing someone they love in one way or another.

Love, in its truest forms, can be scary. It can make us feel vulnerable and fearful of getting hurt. To love someone, wholeheartedly and unconditionally, requires us to give up a part of ourselves to someone else, as we often receive a part of them in return. The more we love someone, the more it hurts if the relationship ends, because we lose a part of ourselves and our life as we know it, and that loss causes pain; sometimes very deep pain.

After we experience the pain that comes from the loss of love, it might be difficult to ever love again. We might ask, “Why is it worth the effort to love if it just ends up causing so much pain? Why is it worth the effort to give a piece of myself to another person if they just take it and leave?” Often we might feel anger towards the person we once loved so much for leaving us to suffer. “How could they do this to me?”

Yet we are taught to love and love again. I love this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland: “[Love] is not worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety’s sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together.”

But what of the pain? What of the heartbreak? What of the deep feelings of sorrow that follow the loss of a loved one? Is it worth it to love?

I was talking to someone about Kimber the other day and she asked me about our relationship. I said that although I didn’t get to see her very much since we moved from Cedar 3 years ago, I always felt we were close and I never stopped loving her. Then I said, “And that makes this so much harder.” But then I thought, wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel pain? Wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel this much despair after losing my only sister?

The pain serves as a reminder; a reminder that we CAN love. That we DID love. And that we WILL and DO continue to love and to give of ourselves to others. And the best thing about this crazy thing called love, is that we receive as we give. Thinking back to every relationship that I’ve ever had and especially my family relationships, I have learned so much through them. I have learned so many lessons from others, even if that lesson was learning how to love someone who was difficult to love. ;) And every relationship, even if it ended, helped shape me in some way and helped me grow.

When I’m feeling pain over Kimmy’s loss, I try to think of what that pain means to me. I try to remind myself that because I loved her and continue to love her so deeply, I can love again, just as deeply. I feel that deep love for my daughter especially, family members, and some close friends; no matter what happens to them in life, what they choose, what they experience, what heartache our relationship might bring, I will always love them. And love is always worth it because love continually changes us for the better, allowing us to learn and grow, bringing so much happiness among the pain.



"Painful Love"
A midnight letter to Kimmy


My heart aches with pain from your absence, in moments I realize that you are truly gone from this earth; that I will never see you again in my life time. I try to remember all the memories, but they're often foggy and unclear. I want more than memories. I want you. In person, in my present world's reality. I want to hear your voice, see your smile, hear your laugh, dance with you, joke with you, talk with you like before.

But this pain, this never-ending pain that comes in waves and lingers in the back of my mind throughout the day serves as a reminder. It serves as a reminder of the love that I have for you. That I will forever have. It serves as a reminder of our relationship. That you meant the world to me, and always will.

How grateful I am that I can feel. That I feel pain. For if I didn't feel pain, would I remember that I loved? That I loved completely, wholly, unconditionally. And that because I loved and continue to love you entirely, I can love others, too. Although I will never connect with anyone in the same way, I can feel that deep devotion, that protective and all encompassing love that I feel for you.

As I look at my daughter, I feel that love. I would do anything for her, just as I would do anything for you. I know that I will do my best to help her love herself, to help her see the best in herself, as I longed to do for you. I know that I will cheer on her successes, and cry with her when she's hurting, as I did with you. Your words in letter flash in my mind and bring tears of gratitude to my eyes: "Your friendship has probably been one of the most consistent things in my life. I know that no matter what craziness I get myself into, you will always love me. You will be a wonderful mother because you have been the best sister."

So when I feel this pain from your loss, I will remember that it hurts so much because I loved so much. And love is a beautiful thing, a selfless thing. I learn from love, and I learned so much from you. I learned from your successes, I learned from your strengths, I learned from your mistakes; from your trial and error. I learned from the deep and sometimes terrifying, often terrific thoughts you shared with me, and from your capacity to love. To love others. To love me. I will be forever grateful for your love, and for my love for you. I want to let others in as you let me and so many others in to your life, giving them all a part of yourself.

You had such a gift. Such a gift to connect with others, and make them feel important, understood,

and loved, all while providing constant laughter: the perfect mix of deep and intellectual conversations and carefree, quirky, goofiness. I miss that gift, and I miss you more than I could ever express in words.  It's not as easy for me, but because of your love, and my love for you, I want to love more as you did.

So in a way, those nights that I feel the rawest pain and when the tears won't stop falling, I embrace the pain; I let myself feel. Because in those moments that I feel pain from your loss, I realize my love for you will never diminish, and our bond is forever. I realize that I attained a connection with a person who shared not only a part of my physical makeup, but lots of late night laughter, many stories, genuine tears, countless memories, and lasting friendship. A forever gift from God.

So this pain, this sorrow that tugs at my thoughts and keeps me up some nights, will always serve as a reminder that I have the ability to love, to give of myself to another person, to let someone influence me and impact my life in so many ways. And I will try to give of my love more fully and more often, because of the immensely positive ways that the connection we shared has impacted my life.

Although it hurts, and I will always miss you and want you here with me, I know that I can still feel; I can still love, and I will still live. I'll live a life that is not void of your influence, but filled with it. A life that is full of all the good things I learned from you, and all the ways you inspired and changed me. A life full of love, learning, and service, patterned after the wonderful things that filled your 22 years that flourished and bloomed, even among the thorny struggles you faced and the agonizing demons you fought.

And through all the tears, through the pain of feeling your loss, I will remember that unlike this temporary earthly grief and pain, the love that I have for you, and the love I feel for others does not end on earth. It is Eternal.  It is one of the few things I will take with me when I join you in Heaven.  So any amount of love I can feel is worth any amount of pain I will ever feel because of it. And I will look forward to the day that this Painful Love will just be Love. When the Painful is diminished by your actual presence; and the Love we share can just be.


Love you Forever,

Krissy

The Potter's Clay

I have been thinking a lot about influences lately; influences that we allow into our lives every day, and what kind of influence we have on other people. I believe that the everyday influences we allow to surround us mold our every day, essentially molding our lives. In turn, we influence others by what we say and do, helping shape their day and their lives. I had a conversation with my amazing mom a few months ago and she gave me some advice that I love. She told me that I need to be careful about what I post online, especially regarding to doubts or negativity because it can truly affect those who read it. Doubt and negativity spread. Faith and optimism and hope spread as well.

I’ve been thinking about that since, also relating it to the books I’ve been reading and the things I have been doing with my time. I thought about how influenced I was by everything. I asked myself, “Am I really that weak-minded that everything I read and talk about and think about start to define who I am?” And I’ve come to believe that yes, it does, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am weak-minded. It’s just the way that life is. I’ve thought about those words that were conveyed so strongly to my mind before my sister’s funeral: “Our thoughts become us.” I am moldable. While I have my own mind and make my own choices; what I read, who I associate with, what I listen to, and what I watch greatly influences me. But I have agency. I can choose what I do with my time and what I read and who I talk with and what I think. I always have a choice.

So we choose what we allow ourselves to be influenced by and what we continually allow into our lives, essentially choosing who we become. And we choose whether or not to allow the Savior into our lives, who can mold us in ways that no other source can, in ways that help us find true meaning and purpose and joy in life. I feel like there is a battle of sides. I think about that hymn “Who's on the Lord's side? Who? Now is the time to show. We ask it fearlessly: Who's on the Lord's side? Who?”

We are like clay. Over time that clay gets harder, molded into the piece we will become at the end of our lives. Whenever we turn to the Savior with hope and faith, He will mold us. He can sculpt and mold and soften even the hardest of clay if we sincerely turn to Him in faith. He will smooth us into something perfectly beautiful and useful, bringing out our own uniqueness and beauty into something that serves so much purpose. The negative and harmful influences of this world including selfishness, addictions, sin, doubt, fear, immorality, etc. can mold us into a sculpture with all sorts of edges and complicated design. While it may be captivating and enticing, it serves little purpose to the Lord.

I am at a point in my life that I am very moldable. I'm trying to figure life out. I'm trying to figure out what's best for my family and exactly what I want to teach my children. I know that when I let my 

mind fester with fear, doubt, and questions that perhaps don't need answering, my soul feels unsettled. Point blank, I don't feel good about life. But when I turn to the Savior, when I build faith, when I read the scriptures, pray, listen to a conference talk, take care of myself physically, surround myself with positive influences, I feel great. And when I have questions or confusion, I seem to either find answers, or it's as if my mind says "They don't matter anymore. What matters is that you feel peace. You feel strengthened. All will be made right." I know that kind of peace only comes from the Savior. 

However, I am a believer of questions. If we don't have questions and actively seek for answers, how will we ever grow and learn and improve? But what really matters is HOW we search for answers. Where. For there is a battle going on in the hearts and minds of all of us: “The pow'rs of earth and hell; in rage direct the blow; that's aimed to crush the work; Who's on the Lord's side? Who? Truth, life, and liberty, freedom from death and woe, are stakes we're fighting for; Who's on the Lord's side? Who?”

We have to choose where we turn for the answers we seek. And where we turn for answers can define us; who we turn to, where we look for information, who we seek friendship and support from all define who we become. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life who are examples of the believers. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me. I continue to learn more about the Savior and the Atonement. "Help me my unbelief" I pray; and I know when I plead for more faith, I receive more, and that helps me find peace.

I know I am as the potter's clay and I pray that I will turn to the Savior throughout my life to mold out all the rough edges; to make good use of me. It is a continual choice I will need to always fight for, but for today I fight to be a voice of faith. I choose to find answers to questions in places that will not double my questions and build my frustration, but bring peace to my mind and heart, and settle my restless soul.

The Potter's Clay

My mind, my thoughts, not what they used to be-I'm a forever changing being
Who I was yesterday is not me today-what has become of me?
These changes, did they come of my own freewill? Am I so influenced by others?
The things I read, the people I talk with; do we really so affect one another?

Upon soul reflection I realize I'm a very impressionable being
That what I read and who I'm around affects my everything.
I'm the potter's clay, moldable and changing-sculpted and formed day by day
But who is the potter? What am I sculpted by? Oh what will become of this clay? 

The world is full of negativity, but there's the optimistic and uplifting too 

At times I feel consumed by fear, sadness, doubt; but there's love, joy, and friendship true
I have questions unanswered, feel uneasiness rise-where do I turn for peace?
All the books in the world could they lift up my heart-could they calm this storm inside me? 

I learn of my agency, I always have a choice of what to do and where to turn
Good sources I can find to fill my questioning mind; of things both spiritual and secular I learn
It is good to ask questions, it is alright to wonder but where I search for answers truly matters
What brings peace to the soul, and calmness complete can always come through the Savior. 

When He is the potter, He molds the clay; no matter how edgy or undefined
He strengthens the soul, answers questions in ways that gives constant peace and comfort to the mind
But if I refuse him, try to do it on my own; I become molded in a different way
I find other sources to mold me, to change me; they twist and configure the clay 

Will I let these questions, frustrations, confusion consume my heart and my mind?
Will I ever find a balance, be the person I want to, when I feel empty and unsettled inside?
I know I need to feel, need to process, need to mourn-but my thoughts, do they help me grow?
Are the things I am reading, the thoughts I am thinking, holding me prisoner or freeing my soul?

Then I kneel in prayer; turn to a friend, read something uplifting; and the clouds of confusion drift away 

I feel inspired and strengthened; clarity fills me in the warmth of the Son’s rays
My heart fills with hope, renewed and sure; I find motivation to do more with my time
I want to follow the Savior’s example: to love and serve, to live a meaningful life 

The sadness, it will come; the tears I will shed but I know I can still be happy 

I’ll find joy through the sorrows, and strength through the pain; my heart will increase with understanding
It is through life’s greatest challenges that the greatest lessons can be learned
It is through my trials I can discover the tools I need for the purest joys to be earned 

For how can I empathize with others who hurt, if I never hurt or struggle myself?
And how could I understand true joy and happiness if agony and sorrows I never felt?
Would I ever feel a need for the Potter’s alteration if I was made perfect initially?
If my life was easy and simple forever, could I apply what occurred in Gethsemane? 

No. Life is a collection of many ups and many downs, and I’m meant to experience them all
To feel sadness, pain, inadequacy; and to choose what I will do when I fall
Where will I turn to when I’m in need of support? When I hurt, when I’m frustrated or confused
Who will I let my potter be throughout my life? Because of agency, I get to choose. 

I know if I stand on the Lord’s side always, He will strengthen and give me hope
His hands that they pierced He will use to uplift; He will mend these broken pieces, make me whole
For He felt it all, every sorrow, every pain; He experienced the grief and all trials
And He rose above it all to be our greatest example of the light we could find amongst the shadows

So when the questions arise, when the doubts start to fester, I need to choose to turn to sources of good truth 

I need to allow myself to be molded by things that help me turn to the Savior my whole life through
For I know when I make the Lord my Potter, He will shape me until I’m my best
I will do all I can, with Him guiding me; and He will take care of the rest

As my mom reminded me, what I do and say and write is important because it has an effect on those around me. Whether we like it or not, each of us is a voice, an example, one way or another. Does that mean we have to be perfect all the time and always say the right things? Of course not! As people, we are imperfect, and how can we expect to feel peace if we haven't felt confusion? Joy if we haven't felt sadness? Clarity if we never have questions? The negatives in life are a part of life; I believe they are essential to life and the lessons we can learn here. They're not meant to stay bottled up inside, underneath a perfect mask. But I have found that the honest expression of thoughts, feelings, and questions helps so much. It helps when I lean on others who are good examples, read and ponder good material that is uplifting and inspiring, and look to Christ for strength and to fill in all the gaps. I am imperfect, but that is perfect because it is through my imperfections that I learn and grow and turn to Christ, realizing I am never meant to go through my challenges alone. 

I am so grateful for the good examples, kindness, positive words, prayers, and sincere and genuine friendship of those who are helping to mold me into the kind of person I want to become. And although I have many edges to smooth out and lots more to learn in life, both secular and spiritual, I'm so grateful for the things I am learning from others! I hope I can be more of an example for good, too. That by allowing myself to grieve and feel and experience life, turning to and leaning on the good example of others and especially Christ, I can find the balance in life I am searching for. I hope that I can learn and grow through the good and the difficult and become molded in the best way possible, with the Savior as my potter.