Love, in its truest forms, can be scary. It can make us feel vulnerable and fearful of getting hurt. To love someone, wholeheartedly and unconditionally, requires us to give up a part of ourselves to someone else, as we often receive a part of them in return. The more we love someone, the more it hurts if the relationship ends, because we lose a part of ourselves and our life as we know it, and that loss causes pain; sometimes very deep pain.
After we experience the pain that comes from the loss of love, it might be difficult to ever love again. We might ask, “Why is it worth the effort to love if it just ends up causing so much pain? Why is it worth the effort to give a piece of myself to another person if they just take it and leave?” Often we might feel anger towards the person we once loved so much for leaving us to suffer. “How could they do this to me?”
Yet we are taught to love and love again. I love this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland: “[Love] is not worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety’s sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together.”
But what of the pain? What of the heartbreak? What of the deep feelings of sorrow that follow the loss of a loved one? Is it worth it to love?
I was talking to someone about Kimber the other day and she asked me about our relationship. I said that although I didn’t get to see her very much since we moved from Cedar 3 years ago, I always felt we were close and I never stopped loving her. Then I said, “And that makes this so much harder.” But then I thought, wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel pain? Wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel this much despair after losing my only sister?
The pain serves as a reminder; a reminder that we CAN love. That we DID love. And that we WILL and DO continue to love and to give of ourselves to others. And the best thing about this crazy thing called love, is that we receive as we give. Thinking back to every relationship that I’ve ever had and especially my family relationships, I have learned so much through them. I have learned so many lessons from others, even if that lesson was learning how to love someone who was difficult to love. ;) And every relationship, even if it ended, helped shape me in some way and helped me grow.
When I’m feeling pain over Kimmy’s loss, I try to think of what that pain means to me. I try to remind myself that because I loved her and continue to love her so deeply, I can love again, just as deeply. I feel that deep love for my daughter especially, family members, and some close friends; no matter what happens to them in life, what they choose, what they experience, what heartache our relationship might bring, I will always love them. And love is always worth it because love continually changes us for the better, allowing us to learn and grow, bringing so much happiness among the pain.
"Painful Love"
A midnight letter to Kimmy
My heart aches with pain from your absence, in moments I realize that you are truly gone from this earth; that I will never see you again in my life time. I try to remember all the memories, but they're often foggy and unclear. I want more than memories. I want you. In person, in my present world's reality. I want to hear your voice, see your smile, hear your laugh, dance with you, joke with you, talk with you like before.
But this pain, this never-ending pain that comes in waves and lingers in the back of my mind throughout the day serves as a reminder. It serves as a reminder of the love that I have for you. That I will forever have. It serves as a reminder of our relationship. That you meant the world to me, and always will.
How grateful I am that I can feel. That I feel pain. For if I didn't feel pain, would I remember that I loved? That I loved completely, wholly, unconditionally. And that because I loved and continue to love you entirely, I can love others, too. Although I will never connect with anyone in the same way, I can feel that deep devotion, that protective and all encompassing love that I feel for you.
As I look at my daughter, I feel that love. I would do anything for her, just as I would do anything for you. I know that I will do my best to help her love herself, to help her see the best in herself, as I longed to do for you. I know that I will cheer on her successes, and cry with her when she's hurting, as I did with you. Your words in letter flash in my mind and bring tears of gratitude to my eyes: "Your friendship has probably been one of the most consistent things in my life. I know that no matter what craziness I get myself into, you will always love me. You will be a wonderful mother because you have been the best sister."
So when I feel this pain from your loss, I will remember that it hurts so much because I loved so much. And love is a beautiful thing, a selfless thing. I learn from love, and I learned so much from you. I learned from your successes, I learned from your strengths, I learned from your mistakes; from your trial and error. I learned from the deep and sometimes terrifying, often terrific thoughts you shared with me, and from your capacity to love. To love others. To love me. I will be forever grateful for your love, and for my love for you. I want to let others in as you let me and so many others in to your life, giving them all a part of yourself.
and loved, all while providing constant laughter: the perfect mix of deep and intellectual conversations and carefree, quirky, goofiness. I miss that gift, and I miss you more than I could ever express in words. It's not as easy for me, but because of your love, and my love for you, I want to love more as you did.
So in a way, those nights that I feel the rawest pain and when the tears won't stop falling, I embrace the pain; I let myself feel. Because in those moments that I feel pain from your loss, I realize my love for you will never diminish, and our bond is forever. I realize that I attained a connection with a person who shared not only a part of my physical makeup, but lots of late night laughter, many stories, genuine tears, countless memories, and lasting friendship. A forever gift from God.
So this pain, this sorrow that tugs at my thoughts and keeps me up some nights, will always serve as a reminder that I have the ability to love, to give of myself to another person, to let someone influence me and impact my life in so many ways. And I will try to give of my love more fully and more often, because of the immensely positive ways that the connection we shared has impacted my life.
Although it hurts, and I will always miss you and want you here with me, I know that I can still feel; I can still love, and I will still live. I'll live a life that is not void of your influence, but filled with it. A life that is full of all the good things I learned from you, and all the ways you inspired and changed me. A life full of love, learning, and service, patterned after the wonderful things that filled your 22 years that flourished and bloomed, even among the thorny struggles you faced and the agonizing demons you fought.
And through all the tears, through the pain of feeling your loss, I will remember that unlike this temporary earthly grief and pain, the love that I have for you, and the love I feel for others does not end on earth. It is Eternal. It is one of the few things I will take with me when I join you in Heaven. So any amount of love I can feel is worth any amount of pain I will ever feel because of it. And I will look forward to the day that this Painful Love will just be Love. When the Painful is diminished by your actual presence; and the Love we share can just be.
Love you Forever,
Krissy
So in a way, those nights that I feel the rawest pain and when the tears won't stop falling, I embrace the pain; I let myself feel. Because in those moments that I feel pain from your loss, I realize my love for you will never diminish, and our bond is forever. I realize that I attained a connection with a person who shared not only a part of my physical makeup, but lots of late night laughter, many stories, genuine tears, countless memories, and lasting friendship. A forever gift from God.
So this pain, this sorrow that tugs at my thoughts and keeps me up some nights, will always serve as a reminder that I have the ability to love, to give of myself to another person, to let someone influence me and impact my life in so many ways. And I will try to give of my love more fully and more often, because of the immensely positive ways that the connection we shared has impacted my life.
Although it hurts, and I will always miss you and want you here with me, I know that I can still feel; I can still love, and I will still live. I'll live a life that is not void of your influence, but filled with it. A life that is full of all the good things I learned from you, and all the ways you inspired and changed me. A life full of love, learning, and service, patterned after the wonderful things that filled your 22 years that flourished and bloomed, even among the thorny struggles you faced and the agonizing demons you fought.
And through all the tears, through the pain of feeling your loss, I will remember that unlike this temporary earthly grief and pain, the love that I have for you, and the love I feel for others does not end on earth. It is Eternal. It is one of the few things I will take with me when I join you in Heaven. So any amount of love I can feel is worth any amount of pain I will ever feel because of it. And I will look forward to the day that this Painful Love will just be Love. When the Painful is diminished by your actual presence; and the Love we share can just be.
Love you Forever,
Krissy
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