My Prayer

Life is hard.  I’ve been listening to Hilary Weeks’ amazing new CD lately, “Love Your Life,” and I love the line in one of her songs that says something like “it seems the people who don’t have any problems are people I don’t know very well.”  The more people I get to know, the more I realize that everyone has their own battles to fight in life.  Everyone has their own problems, trials, and difficult times.  Several friends, who would make absolutely amazing parents, struggle with infertility.  They are doing everything they can to stay faithful and hopeful, and I am sure at times they ask, “Why God?  Why will you not allow me to bring a child into my home when I’m doing everything you ask of me?  You promised me blessings, and I’ve dreamed about becoming a parent my whole life.  Why won’t you let me have a baby?”  Friends and family members battle with severe, debilitating depression or anxiety.  I’m sure they plead with Heavenly Father, as I have, “Why God?  Why am I suffering so much inside?  Why can’t you take this away from me?  Wouldn’t I be able to make so much more out of my life if I wasn’t battling this negativity?”  Others I know struggle with daily physical pain that makes it difficult to live life.  Some have lost their sight, their hearing, their limbs, their memories.  Some spend their lives in loneliness because they were never able to get married.  Many struggle with a wayward child, an unexpected death of a loved one, the loss of employment, cancer diagnosis.  It seems to me at times that the whole world is looking up, asking “Why God??  I know life wasn’t meant to be easy, but why this? I wish it was anything but this.” Adding my own plea to others, “Why God?  Why did my sister and my family have to suffer so much?  Why did she struggle with mental battles so constantly in her life that ended up completely consuming her?”  The day I found out of her death, all I could say was “Why? Why? Why?” over and over and over again. 

The truth is, life is very unfair.  It is very difficult.  More difficult and unfair than I ever imagined it would be when I was young.  But also, the truth is, life is a precious gift.  Among all the craziness and difficulties, we each experience blessings, little miracles among the trials.  Light among the shadows.  Hopeful things that occur every day if we open our eyes to see them.  The people that amaze and inspire me the most are those who face their own difficulties with fierce determination to keep fighting the fight, discover the positives in life, and figure out how to find joy in their journeys.  They take what they are given, and learn how to make it beautiful, no matter their trials.  I’ve been inspired by others, time after time, who tell me trials I never imagined they were struggling with because their life seemed so together and wonderful.  I’ve wondered how they do it.  How do they keep finding the will to fight, how is their faith so strong, and their backs so straight while carrying the heavy weight of their trials?  How I hope and strive to be like them, to have that kind of determination to not only never give up faith and hope, but to lift up and inspire people along the way. 

I wonder if the question that these people ask is not “Why,” but “What now?”  While many feel the need to blame God, others, and themselves for the Hell that they are living (something I battle with at times), spending so much energy on the “whys” doesn’t get them anywhere.  It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  The people who inspire me the most seem to take and accept what life brings, while saying “OK, Lord.  This is how things are.  What now?  What good things can I do with my life?”  The people who inspire me most have taken their trials, debilitating as they seem, and used them to provide opportunities for themselves.  Group therapy leaders and counselors that have struggled with depression for years, now providing hope and help for those with similar struggles.  Parents of a handicapped child reaching out to parents and families with similar children to let them know they are not alone, and providing helpful resources for them.  Elderly friends who have never married or had children have reached out to families, becoming second moms to children around them, giving all of their love and support.  Friends with infertility put their trust in God and keep moving forward, some choosing to adopt, continue rounds of IVF, or looking for other options to determine what is best for their family.  My Grandma Hunter had macular degeneration but still spent hours cooking and providing delicious Sunday dinners for her grandchildren in Cedar City, even though it was difficult for her to read the recipes.  Motivational speakers who have lost limbs or experienced unusual traumatic events choose to learn from them and share what they learn.  Loved ones who battle mental struggles find ways they can serve and give and do something to help other people, although they are suffering themselves.  These people are my heroes.  These people give me strength, and hope, and faith to keep going, and keep trying.    

I know that each of us, no matter what trials we are given in life, can make the choice to ask in faith
“What now, Lord?  Help me to discover what I can do with the life I’ve been given.” We can accept our struggles for what they are, finding ways to learn life lessons from our own experiences, however difficult they might be.  Life is hard and so unfair, but we have God, and we have each other.  I hope to never give up faith among my questions and tendencies to doubt.  I hope to never give up hope among the feelings of despair.  And I hope to notice the tender mercies and the many miracles that occur in life at times that it feels like I am consumed by all the struggles.  Although it may not feel like it, life is a beautiful gift, and each of us can do something to help someone else, and to help ourselves.  Each of us is a child of God with endless potential, and each of us is loved and important to Him, no matter how alone, inadequate, or unworthy we might feel.  Life throws unexpected twists and turns at every one of us, but my hope for all of us is that as we make each turn, we faithfully look up to God and ask, “What now?  What good things can I do with my life?” And that by trusting in His hand, He will guide us forward, so that when all is said and done, we can look back and realize what a beautiful journey life was. 

My Prayer 

By Kristen Laursen
(7/25/2016)

You told me life would be hard, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the self-doubt and resentment
I didn’t expect the negativity I’d have to fight
I didn’t expect all these feelings of inadequacy and anxiety
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would be good, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way the sound of the birds and the bristling of trees would fill my heart
I didn’t expect how music would lift me up and empower me to create
I didn’t expect the beauty I would be witness to on this earth-the red rock, towering mountains, bubbling brooks, and the majesty of the ever-changing seasons
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me grief, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way my heart would break in two when I witnessed those I love suffer
I didn’t expect the way it seemed my whole soul quivered with worry of the unknown
I didn’t expect to lose my sister and best friend so soon
I didn’t expect the fear and concern that would ignite the moment she left this earth
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me love, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect how it would feel to be wrapped in the arms of my husband, at times when I needed a friend the most
I didn’t expect how my heart would leap with joy when I heard the first cries of my tiny newborn daughter
I didn’t expect the amount of love and devotion I would feel for my family-the fierce determination to do all I can do to help them find joy
And I didn’t expect the Love I would feel from You.  At moments when I’m too weak to stand, and through pleading for help, You lift me. 

Through the joy and the pain, the grief and the sorrow, the worry and the fear, Your love will always be there, surrounding and strengthening me, lifting me up through a life full of unexpected happiness and sorrows. 

And so, as I turn the corner to the next unexpected-unknown, please fill me with Your love and give me the strength to carry on through it all.  And help me to recognize blessings through the sadness and the fear, the grief and the pain. 

So that one day, when I return Home again, I can feel gratitude and joy for the life I have lived and be completely surrounded by Love.   

Painful Love

I wrote this letter a while ago during another one of those sleepless nights. As I was thinking about it today, I thought that this concept really applies to loss of love in all of its forms, and so I thought I would share it in hopes that it might help someone suffering from the pain of losing someone they love in one way or another.

Love, in its truest forms, can be scary. It can make us feel vulnerable and fearful of getting hurt. To love someone, wholeheartedly and unconditionally, requires us to give up a part of ourselves to someone else, as we often receive a part of them in return. The more we love someone, the more it hurts if the relationship ends, because we lose a part of ourselves and our life as we know it, and that loss causes pain; sometimes very deep pain.

After we experience the pain that comes from the loss of love, it might be difficult to ever love again. We might ask, “Why is it worth the effort to love if it just ends up causing so much pain? Why is it worth the effort to give a piece of myself to another person if they just take it and leave?” Often we might feel anger towards the person we once loved so much for leaving us to suffer. “How could they do this to me?”

Yet we are taught to love and love again. I love this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland: “[Love] is not worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety’s sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together.”

But what of the pain? What of the heartbreak? What of the deep feelings of sorrow that follow the loss of a loved one? Is it worth it to love?

I was talking to someone about Kimber the other day and she asked me about our relationship. I said that although I didn’t get to see her very much since we moved from Cedar 3 years ago, I always felt we were close and I never stopped loving her. Then I said, “And that makes this so much harder.” But then I thought, wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel pain? Wouldn’t it be sad if I didn’t feel this much despair after losing my only sister?

The pain serves as a reminder; a reminder that we CAN love. That we DID love. And that we WILL and DO continue to love and to give of ourselves to others. And the best thing about this crazy thing called love, is that we receive as we give. Thinking back to every relationship that I’ve ever had and especially my family relationships, I have learned so much through them. I have learned so many lessons from others, even if that lesson was learning how to love someone who was difficult to love. ;) And every relationship, even if it ended, helped shape me in some way and helped me grow.

When I’m feeling pain over Kimmy’s loss, I try to think of what that pain means to me. I try to remind myself that because I loved her and continue to love her so deeply, I can love again, just as deeply. I feel that deep love for my daughter especially, family members, and some close friends; no matter what happens to them in life, what they choose, what they experience, what heartache our relationship might bring, I will always love them. And love is always worth it because love continually changes us for the better, allowing us to learn and grow, bringing so much happiness among the pain.



"Painful Love"
A midnight letter to Kimmy


My heart aches with pain from your absence, in moments I realize that you are truly gone from this earth; that I will never see you again in my life time. I try to remember all the memories, but they're often foggy and unclear. I want more than memories. I want you. In person, in my present world's reality. I want to hear your voice, see your smile, hear your laugh, dance with you, joke with you, talk with you like before.

But this pain, this never-ending pain that comes in waves and lingers in the back of my mind throughout the day serves as a reminder. It serves as a reminder of the love that I have for you. That I will forever have. It serves as a reminder of our relationship. That you meant the world to me, and always will.

How grateful I am that I can feel. That I feel pain. For if I didn't feel pain, would I remember that I loved? That I loved completely, wholly, unconditionally. And that because I loved and continue to love you entirely, I can love others, too. Although I will never connect with anyone in the same way, I can feel that deep devotion, that protective and all encompassing love that I feel for you.

As I look at my daughter, I feel that love. I would do anything for her, just as I would do anything for you. I know that I will do my best to help her love herself, to help her see the best in herself, as I longed to do for you. I know that I will cheer on her successes, and cry with her when she's hurting, as I did with you. Your words in letter flash in my mind and bring tears of gratitude to my eyes: "Your friendship has probably been one of the most consistent things in my life. I know that no matter what craziness I get myself into, you will always love me. You will be a wonderful mother because you have been the best sister."

So when I feel this pain from your loss, I will remember that it hurts so much because I loved so much. And love is a beautiful thing, a selfless thing. I learn from love, and I learned so much from you. I learned from your successes, I learned from your strengths, I learned from your mistakes; from your trial and error. I learned from the deep and sometimes terrifying, often terrific thoughts you shared with me, and from your capacity to love. To love others. To love me. I will be forever grateful for your love, and for my love for you. I want to let others in as you let me and so many others in to your life, giving them all a part of yourself.

You had such a gift. Such a gift to connect with others, and make them feel important, understood,

and loved, all while providing constant laughter: the perfect mix of deep and intellectual conversations and carefree, quirky, goofiness. I miss that gift, and I miss you more than I could ever express in words.  It's not as easy for me, but because of your love, and my love for you, I want to love more as you did.

So in a way, those nights that I feel the rawest pain and when the tears won't stop falling, I embrace the pain; I let myself feel. Because in those moments that I feel pain from your loss, I realize my love for you will never diminish, and our bond is forever. I realize that I attained a connection with a person who shared not only a part of my physical makeup, but lots of late night laughter, many stories, genuine tears, countless memories, and lasting friendship. A forever gift from God.

So this pain, this sorrow that tugs at my thoughts and keeps me up some nights, will always serve as a reminder that I have the ability to love, to give of myself to another person, to let someone influence me and impact my life in so many ways. And I will try to give of my love more fully and more often, because of the immensely positive ways that the connection we shared has impacted my life.

Although it hurts, and I will always miss you and want you here with me, I know that I can still feel; I can still love, and I will still live. I'll live a life that is not void of your influence, but filled with it. A life that is full of all the good things I learned from you, and all the ways you inspired and changed me. A life full of love, learning, and service, patterned after the wonderful things that filled your 22 years that flourished and bloomed, even among the thorny struggles you faced and the agonizing demons you fought.

And through all the tears, through the pain of feeling your loss, I will remember that unlike this temporary earthly grief and pain, the love that I have for you, and the love I feel for others does not end on earth. It is Eternal.  It is one of the few things I will take with me when I join you in Heaven.  So any amount of love I can feel is worth any amount of pain I will ever feel because of it. And I will look forward to the day that this Painful Love will just be Love. When the Painful is diminished by your actual presence; and the Love we share can just be.


Love you Forever,

Krissy

The Potter's Clay

I have been thinking a lot about influences lately; influences that we allow into our lives every day, and what kind of influence we have on other people. I believe that the everyday influences we allow to surround us mold our every day, essentially molding our lives. In turn, we influence others by what we say and do, helping shape their day and their lives. I had a conversation with my amazing mom a few months ago and she gave me some advice that I love. She told me that I need to be careful about what I post online, especially regarding to doubts or negativity because it can truly affect those who read it. Doubt and negativity spread. Faith and optimism and hope spread as well.

I’ve been thinking about that since, also relating it to the books I’ve been reading and the things I have been doing with my time. I thought about how influenced I was by everything. I asked myself, “Am I really that weak-minded that everything I read and talk about and think about start to define who I am?” And I’ve come to believe that yes, it does, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am weak-minded. It’s just the way that life is. I’ve thought about those words that were conveyed so strongly to my mind before my sister’s funeral: “Our thoughts become us.” I am moldable. While I have my own mind and make my own choices; what I read, who I associate with, what I listen to, and what I watch greatly influences me. But I have agency. I can choose what I do with my time and what I read and who I talk with and what I think. I always have a choice.

So we choose what we allow ourselves to be influenced by and what we continually allow into our lives, essentially choosing who we become. And we choose whether or not to allow the Savior into our lives, who can mold us in ways that no other source can, in ways that help us find true meaning and purpose and joy in life. I feel like there is a battle of sides. I think about that hymn “Who's on the Lord's side? Who? Now is the time to show. We ask it fearlessly: Who's on the Lord's side? Who?”

We are like clay. Over time that clay gets harder, molded into the piece we will become at the end of our lives. Whenever we turn to the Savior with hope and faith, He will mold us. He can sculpt and mold and soften even the hardest of clay if we sincerely turn to Him in faith. He will smooth us into something perfectly beautiful and useful, bringing out our own uniqueness and beauty into something that serves so much purpose. The negative and harmful influences of this world including selfishness, addictions, sin, doubt, fear, immorality, etc. can mold us into a sculpture with all sorts of edges and complicated design. While it may be captivating and enticing, it serves little purpose to the Lord.

I am at a point in my life that I am very moldable. I'm trying to figure life out. I'm trying to figure out what's best for my family and exactly what I want to teach my children. I know that when I let my 

mind fester with fear, doubt, and questions that perhaps don't need answering, my soul feels unsettled. Point blank, I don't feel good about life. But when I turn to the Savior, when I build faith, when I read the scriptures, pray, listen to a conference talk, take care of myself physically, surround myself with positive influences, I feel great. And when I have questions or confusion, I seem to either find answers, or it's as if my mind says "They don't matter anymore. What matters is that you feel peace. You feel strengthened. All will be made right." I know that kind of peace only comes from the Savior. 

However, I am a believer of questions. If we don't have questions and actively seek for answers, how will we ever grow and learn and improve? But what really matters is HOW we search for answers. Where. For there is a battle going on in the hearts and minds of all of us: “The pow'rs of earth and hell; in rage direct the blow; that's aimed to crush the work; Who's on the Lord's side? Who? Truth, life, and liberty, freedom from death and woe, are stakes we're fighting for; Who's on the Lord's side? Who?”

We have to choose where we turn for the answers we seek. And where we turn for answers can define us; who we turn to, where we look for information, who we seek friendship and support from all define who we become. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life who are examples of the believers. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for me. I continue to learn more about the Savior and the Atonement. "Help me my unbelief" I pray; and I know when I plead for more faith, I receive more, and that helps me find peace.

I know I am as the potter's clay and I pray that I will turn to the Savior throughout my life to mold out all the rough edges; to make good use of me. It is a continual choice I will need to always fight for, but for today I fight to be a voice of faith. I choose to find answers to questions in places that will not double my questions and build my frustration, but bring peace to my mind and heart, and settle my restless soul.

The Potter's Clay

My mind, my thoughts, not what they used to be-I'm a forever changing being
Who I was yesterday is not me today-what has become of me?
These changes, did they come of my own freewill? Am I so influenced by others?
The things I read, the people I talk with; do we really so affect one another?

Upon soul reflection I realize I'm a very impressionable being
That what I read and who I'm around affects my everything.
I'm the potter's clay, moldable and changing-sculpted and formed day by day
But who is the potter? What am I sculpted by? Oh what will become of this clay? 

The world is full of negativity, but there's the optimistic and uplifting too 

At times I feel consumed by fear, sadness, doubt; but there's love, joy, and friendship true
I have questions unanswered, feel uneasiness rise-where do I turn for peace?
All the books in the world could they lift up my heart-could they calm this storm inside me? 

I learn of my agency, I always have a choice of what to do and where to turn
Good sources I can find to fill my questioning mind; of things both spiritual and secular I learn
It is good to ask questions, it is alright to wonder but where I search for answers truly matters
What brings peace to the soul, and calmness complete can always come through the Savior. 

When He is the potter, He molds the clay; no matter how edgy or undefined
He strengthens the soul, answers questions in ways that gives constant peace and comfort to the mind
But if I refuse him, try to do it on my own; I become molded in a different way
I find other sources to mold me, to change me; they twist and configure the clay 

Will I let these questions, frustrations, confusion consume my heart and my mind?
Will I ever find a balance, be the person I want to, when I feel empty and unsettled inside?
I know I need to feel, need to process, need to mourn-but my thoughts, do they help me grow?
Are the things I am reading, the thoughts I am thinking, holding me prisoner or freeing my soul?

Then I kneel in prayer; turn to a friend, read something uplifting; and the clouds of confusion drift away 

I feel inspired and strengthened; clarity fills me in the warmth of the Son’s rays
My heart fills with hope, renewed and sure; I find motivation to do more with my time
I want to follow the Savior’s example: to love and serve, to live a meaningful life 

The sadness, it will come; the tears I will shed but I know I can still be happy 

I’ll find joy through the sorrows, and strength through the pain; my heart will increase with understanding
It is through life’s greatest challenges that the greatest lessons can be learned
It is through my trials I can discover the tools I need for the purest joys to be earned 

For how can I empathize with others who hurt, if I never hurt or struggle myself?
And how could I understand true joy and happiness if agony and sorrows I never felt?
Would I ever feel a need for the Potter’s alteration if I was made perfect initially?
If my life was easy and simple forever, could I apply what occurred in Gethsemane? 

No. Life is a collection of many ups and many downs, and I’m meant to experience them all
To feel sadness, pain, inadequacy; and to choose what I will do when I fall
Where will I turn to when I’m in need of support? When I hurt, when I’m frustrated or confused
Who will I let my potter be throughout my life? Because of agency, I get to choose. 

I know if I stand on the Lord’s side always, He will strengthen and give me hope
His hands that they pierced He will use to uplift; He will mend these broken pieces, make me whole
For He felt it all, every sorrow, every pain; He experienced the grief and all trials
And He rose above it all to be our greatest example of the light we could find amongst the shadows

So when the questions arise, when the doubts start to fester, I need to choose to turn to sources of good truth 

I need to allow myself to be molded by things that help me turn to the Savior my whole life through
For I know when I make the Lord my Potter, He will shape me until I’m my best
I will do all I can, with Him guiding me; and He will take care of the rest

As my mom reminded me, what I do and say and write is important because it has an effect on those around me. Whether we like it or not, each of us is a voice, an example, one way or another. Does that mean we have to be perfect all the time and always say the right things? Of course not! As people, we are imperfect, and how can we expect to feel peace if we haven't felt confusion? Joy if we haven't felt sadness? Clarity if we never have questions? The negatives in life are a part of life; I believe they are essential to life and the lessons we can learn here. They're not meant to stay bottled up inside, underneath a perfect mask. But I have found that the honest expression of thoughts, feelings, and questions helps so much. It helps when I lean on others who are good examples, read and ponder good material that is uplifting and inspiring, and look to Christ for strength and to fill in all the gaps. I am imperfect, but that is perfect because it is through my imperfections that I learn and grow and turn to Christ, realizing I am never meant to go through my challenges alone. 

I am so grateful for the good examples, kindness, positive words, prayers, and sincere and genuine friendship of those who are helping to mold me into the kind of person I want to become. And although I have many edges to smooth out and lots more to learn in life, both secular and spiritual, I'm so grateful for the things I am learning from others! I hope I can be more of an example for good, too. That by allowing myself to grieve and feel and experience life, turning to and leaning on the good example of others and especially Christ, I can find the balance in life I am searching for. I hope that I can learn and grow through the good and the difficult and become molded in the best way possible, with the Savior as my potter.

Who Are You?

I wrote this a few days ago when I was having a hard day.  I know my last post was a little negative, and I wrote this when I was feeling really sad, so I wasn't planning on posting it on my blog.  But I sent it to family members and close friends and got a lot of feedback that I should share it, so, here it is!  I hope it can help others who are grieving the loss of a loved one as well.  

2/12/2016

I had another dream about Kimber last night.  She was a little girl, probably about 10 or 12, and she was really sad and distant.  She kept going off by herself, and we were concerned about her, but didn’t really know how serious it was.  My dad changed professions in my dream and was a police man!  Imagine that.  He had a police car and Kimber stole it one day.  She drove into a type of factory place where she knew she could get the car completely smashed.  I called her worried about her and wanting to talk to her (like I called Kimber and left a voicemail a few days before she passed).  Hours later Kimber was dropped off at our home in Roy.  There were several of Dad’s coworkers at the door who towed Dad’s half-totaled cop car and a quiet, closed-up little Kimber, hardly scratched, to our house.  Dad was upset, but gave Kimber a big hug and asked her why she tried to take her own life.  Kimber didn’t say anything, but said she wanted to see me.  Dad found me and I ran to her and gave her a big hug.  Kimber didn’t even cry, but she hugged me back.  She didn’t open up to any of us and kept all of her feelings to herself. 

I woke up feeling so sad.  That dream just brought up a lot of memories.  The way she looked in my dream as that little girl made me think of how things used to be back then and the relationship we had.  Growing up, I never saw Kimber as insecure in any way.  I never knew how closed up and internal she was.  To me, she was just my beautiful, happy, fun little sister who sometimes got annoyed or stole my clothes and makeup, but she was always so amazing and capable.  I never stopped having faith in her.  I always thought she could do it-fight off any struggle that came her way.  Those last few years of her life I worried a lot about her, but I was amazed at the things she was learning by herself and on her own.  I was inspired by the songs she was writing, paintings she painted, how well she was doing in nursing school, and all the people she was connecting with and impacting. 

Anyway, I wrote this free-verse poem this morning, thinking about who she is to me and how much I just miss her!  I’ve spent the morning just crying.  I can’t seem to stop the tears.  It’s one of those days where I get a glimpse of the reality that she is really gone and how much she really means to me. 

Who Are You?

For some, you are a small piece of memory

A smile, a friendly face on a cloudy day

Not of great significance, but a good thought

A glimmer of your personality touching their hearts

For others, you’re merely a picture on a page

A face, unrecognizable, flashing on the newspaper

As they glance through the obituaries

Perhaps they pause, wondering about the cause

Of death for a person so young and pretty

They toss the paper out after rummaging through its pages

And move on with their day, with their lives.

But to many, you’re so much more

Than a distant acquaintance, a face inside a picture frame

Could you ever realize, ever comprehend

All the lives you would touch, all the voices crying out

Hearts shattered by your loss?

The boy I saw, looking down at his shoes,

Heart surely broken, endless tears, shackles to the floor

As he waited, patiently, to look upon that face

That was once breathing beauty and light

Now lifeless, song-less, laid to rest 

We embraced and he explained

The many hours you spent together, side by side

Playing music, singing, surely lifting

His saddened eyes, enlightening his heart

And the girl, your college roommate

Whom you had known less than a year’s time

But had impacted her life, forever

How could she stop the tears?

The day before you left this earth you had talked and laughed,

Living what seemed a normal college life.

But today you are gone, so suddenly we’re left

To shudder in the shadows of grief

All those faces shedding tears

The longing looks for what was, but can never be again

Many faces, some I recognize, some I don’t

Of those whose lives you so impacted

Who are you to them?

A soul’s companion, a needed friend

Touching each life individually, uniquely

Leaving each grieving heart behind

And who are you to me?

A piece of my heart, a part of my being

Now taken away; no, ripped out of my life

By your own hand.

The hands that participated in high-fives and hugs

Back tickles and arm scratches

Childhood hand games and tic-tack-toe

I knew you from the day you were born

When I jumped up and down with anticipation

To meet the beautiful, dark-headed girl

I would call little sister

We made memories.  So many memories!

In my mind they flash in no particular order

Your face changing ages every time I close my eyes

Your memory fills my waking and sleeping hours

The dreams sweet or terrifying

As my mind attempts and fails again to comprehend your loss

Who are you to me?

You’re the hardest laughs I’ve ever laughed

When I laughed till I cried from your witty humor

And the funniest things you would say

Making light of everything

You’re the little girl who would follow me around

Everywhere I’d go. The sweet little voice that said

“That’s my big sister!”

As you flung your little arms around my neck

You’re the friend I turned to as I tried to sort out

Mixed emotions about a boy in school

As we lay on the trampoline

You listened closely as we talked

Hair static-y and faces turned towards each other

All the secrets I knew you would keep

I watched you learn and grow

With so much love in my heart.

I always had faith in you. 

Never-failing faith.

Confused when we’d run and talk

And you’d tell me of your doubts and self-hate

Though I tried, I couldn’t understand

The pain and insecurity inside of you

Why couldn’t you have seen yourself through my eyes?

And all the eyes that looked to you

For light, for friendship, for hope

Why couldn’t you find peace?

In yoga, running, painting, singing

In working towards your life-long goal

Of serving so many as a nurse

In all the things you did

That inspired everyone you knew

Who are you now you’re gone?

To me, you’re an angel.

Free from the mind-battles you fought daily

Free from the soul-wracking, heart wrenching pain

The pain you suffered internally, so deep and consuming

But I fear there remains an ache in your soul

As you watch us left here, dealing with grief

Missing your presence.

Do you miss us too?

Do you miss the body you once hated and demeaned?

The body that let you run and dance, sing and embrace?

Have you learned with your Heavenly eyes of

Everything you took for granted here on earth?

Of things you didn’t and couldn’t understand?

I still pray for you.

I pray you are finding pure joy

Doing things with your time on the other side

That bring happiness and peace to your soul.

That you’re beaming with love

And laughing as you did before

With Grandma, who was your needed confidant on earth.

My heart longs for you.

They say time heals hearts,

But I think time will make me miss you more.

For how could I forget you?

You, whose 22 years were spent doing so much.

And how many hours of your life were spent with me?

Thank you, sister in Heaven, for being my listening ear.

For the giggles, the sleep overs, the selfies

The swimsuit bubble baths, letting me do your hair

Run with you, talk to you of my heartbreak and pain.

Thank you for being you.

For letting me in to your life

For letting me know you.

I know there are parts of you

You might have hidden from my knowledge and sight.

The confusing parts, the demons

You let win the day you left this earth.

But I loved you completely and wholly

And I am grateful for the love I felt.

The love I will forever feel.

Who are you to me?

You are my sister and best friend

Guardian angel in Heaven

Who I will be with again someday.

I look forward to the day when we will laugh and catch up

On all the time we were apart.

I look forward to the day I get to know the new you,

 Like seeing a childhood friend years later in adulthood,

Changed but still the same

And I hope you’ll have eyes that see yourself in a new light,

A person of infinite worth.

A treasure.

That love for yourself will be as my love for you

As God’s love.

That you’ll say

“This is who I am.”

With a smiling soul void of darkness and doubt

Because you, little sister, inside and out

Are truly

Amazing.

Beautiful.

Unique.

Priceless.

Irreplaceable. 

And I hope your new eyes can see you

For who you truly are.     

My Obsession

After losing my sister to suicide (such a heavy and terrible word that I hate to even speak of), I have spent countless hours writing poems and songs about Heaven, about feeling her near, about life after death.  I have had experiences that do seem real to me that help me feel that her Spirit still exists, she lives on, she can be a guardian angel in my life.  I have faith and hope which give me so much peace.  I can’t imagine going through this experience without having faith in a loving and all-knowing God and a Savior who will be the merciful judge of all of us and who understands mental illness and all struggles and trials we face in life.

But I want this blog to be real, raw, and honest.  I want to be honest with myself.  And while I have had many testimony-building experiences that have lifted me up and strengthened my faith, sometimes I feel frustrated.  I want answers to questions that can’t be answered.  I just want to see Kimber again.  I just want to KNOW what she’s doing every day, what Heaven is really like, what it will be like when my Spirit joins hers in Heaven.  I feel my mind obsessing over death, over Heaven, over loss, over the possibility of losing someone close to me again.  I am having a hard time trying to find a balance in life, often feeling like a bad mom and wife because I spend so many hours mourning and expressing these deep emotions and internal battles that I didn’t have to deal with before losing Kimber. 

There are days I leave the house dirty, or let Avery play by herself while I try to write a song or a poem expressing how I feel because I feel like I need to get my emotions down on paper or they’re going to control me.  I know this is not right.  I know these days with Avery are short and I need to ENJOY life and stop worrying, stop obsessing, and balance my time more wisely.  I say and feel that I want to do more with my life in honor of Kimber, but how am I “living more” by spending so much time sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing poems and songs when I could be doing something fun with my daughter, a friend, or a family member?  I miss those seemingly carefree days when my family seemed perfect and we were all together enjoying each other’s company.  I miss not having to feel all these confusing and consuming emotions of grief. 

I had a dream last night that I talked with Kimber on the phone, asking her all my questions about Heaven-what it’s like, what she’s doing, every detail I’ve wondered since her passing.  Some of the dream was a little humorous and made no sense, but when I woke up I just laid there thinking about all the questions I’ve wondered and how I just wish I could KNOW what she’s doing and where she is; what it’s like after death.  It’s really an obsession and I don’t want to keep spending so much of my time wondering about all of these questions that I will never get answers to.  I hope that I can find a better balance in my life one day and just enjoy life with all its blessings and good experiences to be made.  Hopefully that day will come.  And I guess that makes this post a bit ironic: hoping that one day I can stop spending so much time writing about all these questions while I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing about obsessing over all these questions.  Oh well.  It is what it is and all I can do is strive to do better!  But life is truly like a roller coaster, and I want to express what it’s like for me during the ups AND the downs…so for anyone who cares to get a glimpse of the downs in my individual experience, I’m an open book.  Hopefully some bit of good can come from being honest about what I’m going through.      

 My Obsession

(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

Months ago when Death had only taken Grandma and Grandpa in proper time

I seldom thought of Heaven; it was a place that rarely occupied my mind

Grandma and Grandpa lived full lives, their spirits surely live on

And when I missed them I pictured them together in Heaven and my mind moved on

But then Death snatched my sister although she called his name and welcomed him in

Her spirit too young to leave this earth, she stopped fighting her battle within

And now I’m left, with mind consumed by questions and soul-searching thoughts

"What’s Heaven, really?  Where is my sister?  Has she found any peace or not?"

I never knew grieving was so consuming, controlling my mind and my time

I try to make sense of the insensible; I want real answers, tangible and right

I thought I had faith, I thought I had hope but at times I blatantly cry

“Where is she now, where is her soul?  Every day, what do we do when we die?”

The dreams, they come, some laughable, some ring true

I often feel my sister near, but then is it real?  I can’t truly prove.

I stand as a witness and testify of life after death, of the Savior’s light

Those things ring true to my heart, the experiences I’ve had give me proof that He will make it alright

But the dreams, the wondering, the obsessing of Heaven-if her spirit is with me or not

I worry my mind creates things that aren’t real in the midst of the trauma of her loss

I feel that reality and Idealism have never seemed so intertwined

As my mind wants clear answers, specific and true; answers I will never find

And another obsession, paranoia to be sure: losing another love too soon

My brothers, my daughter, my mom and dad-they could leave me here alone any time, too

My best friend through life, my little sister is gone.  Now another could easily die

My husband in a car crash, my mom to cancer, could I live through more lost goodbyes?

They say and I say “Her Spirit’s still here.  She lives on in memories.”

And that gives me some comfort, but it’s still never the same-the truth is she’s not here with me.

She’s not here in person. I can’t give her a hug.  I can’t hear her voice; laugh and sing with her

She won’t be an Aunt to my children on earth like she would have if she were still here

I have to live my whole life, without my best friend; convincing my mind she’s OK

That she’s still here in Spirit, she lives in Heaven; she’s finding peace and joy each day

But what is day, really?  What is time, in a different realm, the farthest place?

A place I can never travel to, never prove, until Death snatches me some day

I hate feeling negative, feeling sad, feeling down; but these questions and obsessions leave me empty

A void in my heart, I have to long for my whole life, and I’m only just now in my twenties

I know I have a choice: to choose faith or choose doubt, and my soul clings to, builds on my faith

But sometimes I just really want KNOW what it will be like when I’m with my sister that distant day

Till then, I will try to keep living a full life, try to live more and do more in her name

And fight these obsessions, paranoia, and questions my mind cycles through in vain

I will strive for more hope, more peace, and less doubt, praying to Heaven for help

For whether real or procured, I feel of God’s love, which love cures and uplifts from this Hell.  

Earrings For Christmas

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!!  The holidays were rough for my family, but not as bad as I was expecting.  I give all the credit for the laughs we shared on Christmas day to my little girl Avery.  It was fun to watch her open presents and get excited about the toys she got. (Albeit we probably did most of the unwrapping since she couldn't quite figure it out).  I also loved skyping my little brother Brennan who is serving a mission in Louisiana.  The last time I saw his cute face was when we said goodbye at the airport just after Kimber's funeral, so it was definitely fun to see him again!  Each Christmas growing up we would dance to this singing bass that would sing "Twas' the Night Before Christmas" and Brennan was the best at it-he choreographed a dance to it with Kimber when they were little and my Mom and I reenacted it for him over Skype.  I thought it was a pretty good time. :)

Although Christmas was a little bit better than expected thanks to a happy and oblivious little girl, we still all felt Kimmy's absence really strong.  It was the first Christmas that I have ever spent apart from her.  Who knew that 21 Christmases were all I would get to be with her.  21 Christmases with my little sister, and the rest of my life of Christmases feeling her absence, feeling the void she left behind.  We all cried some tears, shared some memories, and talked about her.  As difficult as it is, I think talking about her and sharing the memories definitely helps.  I also think keeping the traditions my family has alive helps as well.  It's nice to make new traditions, but I love the old traditions, and although they feel different and their light is dimmed because Kimber won't be here to be a part of them like she always has, I want to keep as many traditions as we can alive.

A new tradition that I decided to do with Kimmy was give her a pair of earrings every Christmas.  We got our ears pierced together while celebrating my Grandma Hunter's last birthday at the end of December, 2013.  I bought several pairs of earrings for her last Christmas and she loved them.  She had SO many earrings and they became her favorite accessory.  I never knew that tradition would be cut so short.  When she passed away, I inherited most of her earrings and we gave some of her earrings to our little cousins.  I love wearing them and am so grateful for the fun memory we shared, at the ages of 20 and 23, to finally get our ears pierced together.  It's a memory I will always cherish and I'm grateful I have pictures and video of it!

As Christmas time drew nearer this last year I thought of that tradition I wanted to start with my sister.  I decided I wanted to keep it alive by giving my mom a pair of earrings each Christmas in Kimmy's honor.  I thought it would be a good way of keeping that tradition alive and remembering Kimber each Christmas.  I bought my mom a few pair of earrings and an earring tray that said "Enjoy the Little Things".  I wrote the following poem for her:

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Earrings for Christmas
(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

Sisters laughing, playing; discovering Grandma's clip-on earrings

We try them on, posing in the mirror with a special, grown-up feeling

We want to be like Grandma, we want to be like Mommy too

These valiant, strong and kind women; examples good and true

Time goes on, but the holidays always bring us back together

We stay up late each Christmas Eve, talking of all the memories we remember

Dancing to the Christmas Bass, picking out the longest socks we could find

Singing Christmas songs together, keeping all of our traditions alive

Just two short years ago, celebrating Grandma Hunter's last birthday

We sisters decided to finally pierce our ears; feeling giddy like little girls again that day

We excitedly picked out lots of earrings, overwhelmed by the many shelves in which they hung

Gold, silver, loops and posts; Posing in the mirror like we did when we were young

That year my sister bought a lot more earrings; it became a near obsession

Nearly a pair for every outfit she wore-she began to get quite the collection

So that next year I vowed from then on out I'd give her earrings each Christmas day

I bought her two pairs that I knew she would love and she opened that gift with a smile on her face

But what I didn't realize, and could have never foretold, was that the first year of this tradition with her would be our last

That every Christmas after that one would be forever different from Christmases past.  

For my always laughing, loving sister left this earth the very next fall

And since then her presence was forever missed-a void felt within us all

We all said our goodbyes, standing in front of her casket of ebony-white

Grief and loss filled the air as we placed earrings on her left ear and then the right

Bright yellow flowers to signify the sunshine she brought to all others

That her buds brought back from his mission, with matching pairs for me and Mother.

Dad handed me those pearls she was wearing on the last day of her life

And I realized they were her very first pair of earrings that we got together that December night.  

A flood of memories filled my mind; my heart broke that she was really gone

My sister whom I've loved and held dear to my heart my whole life long. 

So now we're left with Christmases ahead, without our sister and daughter 

And we have to find a way to live life as full as possible without her

And although there are times when we feel of her loss and feel empty in every way 

I know she'd want us to carry on traditions and find joy each Christmas day

So to continue this new tradition-to keep the vow I made last year

I want to buy you, Mother, earrings in memory of our Kimmy dear

Please wear these earrings and think of her and all the good times that we've had before 

Knowing she's still here in spirit, and we'll truly be with her once more.  

Every Christmas will bring a new pair of earrings with a new year of memories to make

And we will cherish the memories of the years we were all together; our Kimber we'll never forsake

We'll "enjoy the little things," strengthen love for others, lifting each other up along the way

Finding peace in the knowledge that we will all be forever together one day.
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I know that families ARE forever and that I will see my sister again some day!  I am so grateful for all the memories and fun times we had that I will always cherish.  I love wearing Kimber's earrings and think of her almost every time I put a pair of earrings on.  I love that fun, spunky, beautiful angel in Heaven!

The day we got our ears pierced together

Wearing a pair of Kimber's earrings and one of her shirts