Who Are You?

I wrote this a few days ago when I was having a hard day.  I know my last post was a little negative, and I wrote this when I was feeling really sad, so I wasn't planning on posting it on my blog.  But I sent it to family members and close friends and got a lot of feedback that I should share it, so, here it is!  I hope it can help others who are grieving the loss of a loved one as well.  

2/12/2016

I had another dream about Kimber last night.  She was a little girl, probably about 10 or 12, and she was really sad and distant.  She kept going off by herself, and we were concerned about her, but didn’t really know how serious it was.  My dad changed professions in my dream and was a police man!  Imagine that.  He had a police car and Kimber stole it one day.  She drove into a type of factory place where she knew she could get the car completely smashed.  I called her worried about her and wanting to talk to her (like I called Kimber and left a voicemail a few days before she passed).  Hours later Kimber was dropped off at our home in Roy.  There were several of Dad’s coworkers at the door who towed Dad’s half-totaled cop car and a quiet, closed-up little Kimber, hardly scratched, to our house.  Dad was upset, but gave Kimber a big hug and asked her why she tried to take her own life.  Kimber didn’t say anything, but said she wanted to see me.  Dad found me and I ran to her and gave her a big hug.  Kimber didn’t even cry, but she hugged me back.  She didn’t open up to any of us and kept all of her feelings to herself. 

I woke up feeling so sad.  That dream just brought up a lot of memories.  The way she looked in my dream as that little girl made me think of how things used to be back then and the relationship we had.  Growing up, I never saw Kimber as insecure in any way.  I never knew how closed up and internal she was.  To me, she was just my beautiful, happy, fun little sister who sometimes got annoyed or stole my clothes and makeup, but she was always so amazing and capable.  I never stopped having faith in her.  I always thought she could do it-fight off any struggle that came her way.  Those last few years of her life I worried a lot about her, but I was amazed at the things she was learning by herself and on her own.  I was inspired by the songs she was writing, paintings she painted, how well she was doing in nursing school, and all the people she was connecting with and impacting. 

Anyway, I wrote this free-verse poem this morning, thinking about who she is to me and how much I just miss her!  I’ve spent the morning just crying.  I can’t seem to stop the tears.  It’s one of those days where I get a glimpse of the reality that she is really gone and how much she really means to me. 

Who Are You?

For some, you are a small piece of memory

A smile, a friendly face on a cloudy day

Not of great significance, but a good thought

A glimmer of your personality touching their hearts

For others, you’re merely a picture on a page

A face, unrecognizable, flashing on the newspaper

As they glance through the obituaries

Perhaps they pause, wondering about the cause

Of death for a person so young and pretty

They toss the paper out after rummaging through its pages

And move on with their day, with their lives.

But to many, you’re so much more

Than a distant acquaintance, a face inside a picture frame

Could you ever realize, ever comprehend

All the lives you would touch, all the voices crying out

Hearts shattered by your loss?

The boy I saw, looking down at his shoes,

Heart surely broken, endless tears, shackles to the floor

As he waited, patiently, to look upon that face

That was once breathing beauty and light

Now lifeless, song-less, laid to rest 

We embraced and he explained

The many hours you spent together, side by side

Playing music, singing, surely lifting

His saddened eyes, enlightening his heart

And the girl, your college roommate

Whom you had known less than a year’s time

But had impacted her life, forever

How could she stop the tears?

The day before you left this earth you had talked and laughed,

Living what seemed a normal college life.

But today you are gone, so suddenly we’re left

To shudder in the shadows of grief

All those faces shedding tears

The longing looks for what was, but can never be again

Many faces, some I recognize, some I don’t

Of those whose lives you so impacted

Who are you to them?

A soul’s companion, a needed friend

Touching each life individually, uniquely

Leaving each grieving heart behind

And who are you to me?

A piece of my heart, a part of my being

Now taken away; no, ripped out of my life

By your own hand.

The hands that participated in high-fives and hugs

Back tickles and arm scratches

Childhood hand games and tic-tack-toe

I knew you from the day you were born

When I jumped up and down with anticipation

To meet the beautiful, dark-headed girl

I would call little sister

We made memories.  So many memories!

In my mind they flash in no particular order

Your face changing ages every time I close my eyes

Your memory fills my waking and sleeping hours

The dreams sweet or terrifying

As my mind attempts and fails again to comprehend your loss

Who are you to me?

You’re the hardest laughs I’ve ever laughed

When I laughed till I cried from your witty humor

And the funniest things you would say

Making light of everything

You’re the little girl who would follow me around

Everywhere I’d go. The sweet little voice that said

“That’s my big sister!”

As you flung your little arms around my neck

You’re the friend I turned to as I tried to sort out

Mixed emotions about a boy in school

As we lay on the trampoline

You listened closely as we talked

Hair static-y and faces turned towards each other

All the secrets I knew you would keep

I watched you learn and grow

With so much love in my heart.

I always had faith in you. 

Never-failing faith.

Confused when we’d run and talk

And you’d tell me of your doubts and self-hate

Though I tried, I couldn’t understand

The pain and insecurity inside of you

Why couldn’t you have seen yourself through my eyes?

And all the eyes that looked to you

For light, for friendship, for hope

Why couldn’t you find peace?

In yoga, running, painting, singing

In working towards your life-long goal

Of serving so many as a nurse

In all the things you did

That inspired everyone you knew

Who are you now you’re gone?

To me, you’re an angel.

Free from the mind-battles you fought daily

Free from the soul-wracking, heart wrenching pain

The pain you suffered internally, so deep and consuming

But I fear there remains an ache in your soul

As you watch us left here, dealing with grief

Missing your presence.

Do you miss us too?

Do you miss the body you once hated and demeaned?

The body that let you run and dance, sing and embrace?

Have you learned with your Heavenly eyes of

Everything you took for granted here on earth?

Of things you didn’t and couldn’t understand?

I still pray for you.

I pray you are finding pure joy

Doing things with your time on the other side

That bring happiness and peace to your soul.

That you’re beaming with love

And laughing as you did before

With Grandma, who was your needed confidant on earth.

My heart longs for you.

They say time heals hearts,

But I think time will make me miss you more.

For how could I forget you?

You, whose 22 years were spent doing so much.

And how many hours of your life were spent with me?

Thank you, sister in Heaven, for being my listening ear.

For the giggles, the sleep overs, the selfies

The swimsuit bubble baths, letting me do your hair

Run with you, talk to you of my heartbreak and pain.

Thank you for being you.

For letting me in to your life

For letting me know you.

I know there are parts of you

You might have hidden from my knowledge and sight.

The confusing parts, the demons

You let win the day you left this earth.

But I loved you completely and wholly

And I am grateful for the love I felt.

The love I will forever feel.

Who are you to me?

You are my sister and best friend

Guardian angel in Heaven

Who I will be with again someday.

I look forward to the day when we will laugh and catch up

On all the time we were apart.

I look forward to the day I get to know the new you,

 Like seeing a childhood friend years later in adulthood,

Changed but still the same

And I hope you’ll have eyes that see yourself in a new light,

A person of infinite worth.

A treasure.

That love for yourself will be as my love for you

As God’s love.

That you’ll say

“This is who I am.”

With a smiling soul void of darkness and doubt

Because you, little sister, inside and out

Are truly

Amazing.

Beautiful.

Unique.

Priceless.

Irreplaceable. 

And I hope your new eyes can see you

For who you truly are.