Who Are You?

I wrote this a few days ago when I was having a hard day.  I know my last post was a little negative, and I wrote this when I was feeling really sad, so I wasn't planning on posting it on my blog.  But I sent it to family members and close friends and got a lot of feedback that I should share it, so, here it is!  I hope it can help others who are grieving the loss of a loved one as well.  

2/12/2016

I had another dream about Kimber last night.  She was a little girl, probably about 10 or 12, and she was really sad and distant.  She kept going off by herself, and we were concerned about her, but didn’t really know how serious it was.  My dad changed professions in my dream and was a police man!  Imagine that.  He had a police car and Kimber stole it one day.  She drove into a type of factory place where she knew she could get the car completely smashed.  I called her worried about her and wanting to talk to her (like I called Kimber and left a voicemail a few days before she passed).  Hours later Kimber was dropped off at our home in Roy.  There were several of Dad’s coworkers at the door who towed Dad’s half-totaled cop car and a quiet, closed-up little Kimber, hardly scratched, to our house.  Dad was upset, but gave Kimber a big hug and asked her why she tried to take her own life.  Kimber didn’t say anything, but said she wanted to see me.  Dad found me and I ran to her and gave her a big hug.  Kimber didn’t even cry, but she hugged me back.  She didn’t open up to any of us and kept all of her feelings to herself. 

I woke up feeling so sad.  That dream just brought up a lot of memories.  The way she looked in my dream as that little girl made me think of how things used to be back then and the relationship we had.  Growing up, I never saw Kimber as insecure in any way.  I never knew how closed up and internal she was.  To me, she was just my beautiful, happy, fun little sister who sometimes got annoyed or stole my clothes and makeup, but she was always so amazing and capable.  I never stopped having faith in her.  I always thought she could do it-fight off any struggle that came her way.  Those last few years of her life I worried a lot about her, but I was amazed at the things she was learning by herself and on her own.  I was inspired by the songs she was writing, paintings she painted, how well she was doing in nursing school, and all the people she was connecting with and impacting. 

Anyway, I wrote this free-verse poem this morning, thinking about who she is to me and how much I just miss her!  I’ve spent the morning just crying.  I can’t seem to stop the tears.  It’s one of those days where I get a glimpse of the reality that she is really gone and how much she really means to me. 

Who Are You?

For some, you are a small piece of memory

A smile, a friendly face on a cloudy day

Not of great significance, but a good thought

A glimmer of your personality touching their hearts

For others, you’re merely a picture on a page

A face, unrecognizable, flashing on the newspaper

As they glance through the obituaries

Perhaps they pause, wondering about the cause

Of death for a person so young and pretty

They toss the paper out after rummaging through its pages

And move on with their day, with their lives.

But to many, you’re so much more

Than a distant acquaintance, a face inside a picture frame

Could you ever realize, ever comprehend

All the lives you would touch, all the voices crying out

Hearts shattered by your loss?

The boy I saw, looking down at his shoes,

Heart surely broken, endless tears, shackles to the floor

As he waited, patiently, to look upon that face

That was once breathing beauty and light

Now lifeless, song-less, laid to rest 

We embraced and he explained

The many hours you spent together, side by side

Playing music, singing, surely lifting

His saddened eyes, enlightening his heart

And the girl, your college roommate

Whom you had known less than a year’s time

But had impacted her life, forever

How could she stop the tears?

The day before you left this earth you had talked and laughed,

Living what seemed a normal college life.

But today you are gone, so suddenly we’re left

To shudder in the shadows of grief

All those faces shedding tears

The longing looks for what was, but can never be again

Many faces, some I recognize, some I don’t

Of those whose lives you so impacted

Who are you to them?

A soul’s companion, a needed friend

Touching each life individually, uniquely

Leaving each grieving heart behind

And who are you to me?

A piece of my heart, a part of my being

Now taken away; no, ripped out of my life

By your own hand.

The hands that participated in high-fives and hugs

Back tickles and arm scratches

Childhood hand games and tic-tack-toe

I knew you from the day you were born

When I jumped up and down with anticipation

To meet the beautiful, dark-headed girl

I would call little sister

We made memories.  So many memories!

In my mind they flash in no particular order

Your face changing ages every time I close my eyes

Your memory fills my waking and sleeping hours

The dreams sweet or terrifying

As my mind attempts and fails again to comprehend your loss

Who are you to me?

You’re the hardest laughs I’ve ever laughed

When I laughed till I cried from your witty humor

And the funniest things you would say

Making light of everything

You’re the little girl who would follow me around

Everywhere I’d go. The sweet little voice that said

“That’s my big sister!”

As you flung your little arms around my neck

You’re the friend I turned to as I tried to sort out

Mixed emotions about a boy in school

As we lay on the trampoline

You listened closely as we talked

Hair static-y and faces turned towards each other

All the secrets I knew you would keep

I watched you learn and grow

With so much love in my heart.

I always had faith in you. 

Never-failing faith.

Confused when we’d run and talk

And you’d tell me of your doubts and self-hate

Though I tried, I couldn’t understand

The pain and insecurity inside of you

Why couldn’t you have seen yourself through my eyes?

And all the eyes that looked to you

For light, for friendship, for hope

Why couldn’t you find peace?

In yoga, running, painting, singing

In working towards your life-long goal

Of serving so many as a nurse

In all the things you did

That inspired everyone you knew

Who are you now you’re gone?

To me, you’re an angel.

Free from the mind-battles you fought daily

Free from the soul-wracking, heart wrenching pain

The pain you suffered internally, so deep and consuming

But I fear there remains an ache in your soul

As you watch us left here, dealing with grief

Missing your presence.

Do you miss us too?

Do you miss the body you once hated and demeaned?

The body that let you run and dance, sing and embrace?

Have you learned with your Heavenly eyes of

Everything you took for granted here on earth?

Of things you didn’t and couldn’t understand?

I still pray for you.

I pray you are finding pure joy

Doing things with your time on the other side

That bring happiness and peace to your soul.

That you’re beaming with love

And laughing as you did before

With Grandma, who was your needed confidant on earth.

My heart longs for you.

They say time heals hearts,

But I think time will make me miss you more.

For how could I forget you?

You, whose 22 years were spent doing so much.

And how many hours of your life were spent with me?

Thank you, sister in Heaven, for being my listening ear.

For the giggles, the sleep overs, the selfies

The swimsuit bubble baths, letting me do your hair

Run with you, talk to you of my heartbreak and pain.

Thank you for being you.

For letting me in to your life

For letting me know you.

I know there are parts of you

You might have hidden from my knowledge and sight.

The confusing parts, the demons

You let win the day you left this earth.

But I loved you completely and wholly

And I am grateful for the love I felt.

The love I will forever feel.

Who are you to me?

You are my sister and best friend

Guardian angel in Heaven

Who I will be with again someday.

I look forward to the day when we will laugh and catch up

On all the time we were apart.

I look forward to the day I get to know the new you,

 Like seeing a childhood friend years later in adulthood,

Changed but still the same

And I hope you’ll have eyes that see yourself in a new light,

A person of infinite worth.

A treasure.

That love for yourself will be as my love for you

As God’s love.

That you’ll say

“This is who I am.”

With a smiling soul void of darkness and doubt

Because you, little sister, inside and out

Are truly

Amazing.

Beautiful.

Unique.

Priceless.

Irreplaceable. 

And I hope your new eyes can see you

For who you truly are.     

My Obsession

After losing my sister to suicide (such a heavy and terrible word that I hate to even speak of), I have spent countless hours writing poems and songs about Heaven, about feeling her near, about life after death.  I have had experiences that do seem real to me that help me feel that her Spirit still exists, she lives on, she can be a guardian angel in my life.  I have faith and hope which give me so much peace.  I can’t imagine going through this experience without having faith in a loving and all-knowing God and a Savior who will be the merciful judge of all of us and who understands mental illness and all struggles and trials we face in life.

But I want this blog to be real, raw, and honest.  I want to be honest with myself.  And while I have had many testimony-building experiences that have lifted me up and strengthened my faith, sometimes I feel frustrated.  I want answers to questions that can’t be answered.  I just want to see Kimber again.  I just want to KNOW what she’s doing every day, what Heaven is really like, what it will be like when my Spirit joins hers in Heaven.  I feel my mind obsessing over death, over Heaven, over loss, over the possibility of losing someone close to me again.  I am having a hard time trying to find a balance in life, often feeling like a bad mom and wife because I spend so many hours mourning and expressing these deep emotions and internal battles that I didn’t have to deal with before losing Kimber. 

There are days I leave the house dirty, or let Avery play by herself while I try to write a song or a poem expressing how I feel because I feel like I need to get my emotions down on paper or they’re going to control me.  I know this is not right.  I know these days with Avery are short and I need to ENJOY life and stop worrying, stop obsessing, and balance my time more wisely.  I say and feel that I want to do more with my life in honor of Kimber, but how am I “living more” by spending so much time sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing poems and songs when I could be doing something fun with my daughter, a friend, or a family member?  I miss those seemingly carefree days when my family seemed perfect and we were all together enjoying each other’s company.  I miss not having to feel all these confusing and consuming emotions of grief. 

I had a dream last night that I talked with Kimber on the phone, asking her all my questions about Heaven-what it’s like, what she’s doing, every detail I’ve wondered since her passing.  Some of the dream was a little humorous and made no sense, but when I woke up I just laid there thinking about all the questions I’ve wondered and how I just wish I could KNOW what she’s doing and where she is; what it’s like after death.  It’s really an obsession and I don’t want to keep spending so much of my time wondering about all of these questions that I will never get answers to.  I hope that I can find a better balance in my life one day and just enjoy life with all its blessings and good experiences to be made.  Hopefully that day will come.  And I guess that makes this post a bit ironic: hoping that one day I can stop spending so much time writing about all these questions while I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing about obsessing over all these questions.  Oh well.  It is what it is and all I can do is strive to do better!  But life is truly like a roller coaster, and I want to express what it’s like for me during the ups AND the downs…so for anyone who cares to get a glimpse of the downs in my individual experience, I’m an open book.  Hopefully some bit of good can come from being honest about what I’m going through.      

 My Obsession

(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

Months ago when Death had only taken Grandma and Grandpa in proper time

I seldom thought of Heaven; it was a place that rarely occupied my mind

Grandma and Grandpa lived full lives, their spirits surely live on

And when I missed them I pictured them together in Heaven and my mind moved on

But then Death snatched my sister although she called his name and welcomed him in

Her spirit too young to leave this earth, she stopped fighting her battle within

And now I’m left, with mind consumed by questions and soul-searching thoughts

"What’s Heaven, really?  Where is my sister?  Has she found any peace or not?"

I never knew grieving was so consuming, controlling my mind and my time

I try to make sense of the insensible; I want real answers, tangible and right

I thought I had faith, I thought I had hope but at times I blatantly cry

“Where is she now, where is her soul?  Every day, what do we do when we die?”

The dreams, they come, some laughable, some ring true

I often feel my sister near, but then is it real?  I can’t truly prove.

I stand as a witness and testify of life after death, of the Savior’s light

Those things ring true to my heart, the experiences I’ve had give me proof that He will make it alright

But the dreams, the wondering, the obsessing of Heaven-if her spirit is with me or not

I worry my mind creates things that aren’t real in the midst of the trauma of her loss

I feel that reality and Idealism have never seemed so intertwined

As my mind wants clear answers, specific and true; answers I will never find

And another obsession, paranoia to be sure: losing another love too soon

My brothers, my daughter, my mom and dad-they could leave me here alone any time, too

My best friend through life, my little sister is gone.  Now another could easily die

My husband in a car crash, my mom to cancer, could I live through more lost goodbyes?

They say and I say “Her Spirit’s still here.  She lives on in memories.”

And that gives me some comfort, but it’s still never the same-the truth is she’s not here with me.

She’s not here in person. I can’t give her a hug.  I can’t hear her voice; laugh and sing with her

She won’t be an Aunt to my children on earth like she would have if she were still here

I have to live my whole life, without my best friend; convincing my mind she’s OK

That she’s still here in Spirit, she lives in Heaven; she’s finding peace and joy each day

But what is day, really?  What is time, in a different realm, the farthest place?

A place I can never travel to, never prove, until Death snatches me some day

I hate feeling negative, feeling sad, feeling down; but these questions and obsessions leave me empty

A void in my heart, I have to long for my whole life, and I’m only just now in my twenties

I know I have a choice: to choose faith or choose doubt, and my soul clings to, builds on my faith

But sometimes I just really want KNOW what it will be like when I’m with my sister that distant day

Till then, I will try to keep living a full life, try to live more and do more in her name

And fight these obsessions, paranoia, and questions my mind cycles through in vain

I will strive for more hope, more peace, and less doubt, praying to Heaven for help

For whether real or procured, I feel of God’s love, which love cures and uplifts from this Hell.  

Earrings For Christmas

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year!!  The holidays were rough for my family, but not as bad as I was expecting.  I give all the credit for the laughs we shared on Christmas day to my little girl Avery.  It was fun to watch her open presents and get excited about the toys she got. (Albeit we probably did most of the unwrapping since she couldn't quite figure it out).  I also loved skyping my little brother Brennan who is serving a mission in Louisiana.  The last time I saw his cute face was when we said goodbye at the airport just after Kimber's funeral, so it was definitely fun to see him again!  Each Christmas growing up we would dance to this singing bass that would sing "Twas' the Night Before Christmas" and Brennan was the best at it-he choreographed a dance to it with Kimber when they were little and my Mom and I reenacted it for him over Skype.  I thought it was a pretty good time. :)

Although Christmas was a little bit better than expected thanks to a happy and oblivious little girl, we still all felt Kimmy's absence really strong.  It was the first Christmas that I have ever spent apart from her.  Who knew that 21 Christmases were all I would get to be with her.  21 Christmases with my little sister, and the rest of my life of Christmases feeling her absence, feeling the void she left behind.  We all cried some tears, shared some memories, and talked about her.  As difficult as it is, I think talking about her and sharing the memories definitely helps.  I also think keeping the traditions my family has alive helps as well.  It's nice to make new traditions, but I love the old traditions, and although they feel different and their light is dimmed because Kimber won't be here to be a part of them like she always has, I want to keep as many traditions as we can alive.

A new tradition that I decided to do with Kimmy was give her a pair of earrings every Christmas.  We got our ears pierced together while celebrating my Grandma Hunter's last birthday at the end of December, 2013.  I bought several pairs of earrings for her last Christmas and she loved them.  She had SO many earrings and they became her favorite accessory.  I never knew that tradition would be cut so short.  When she passed away, I inherited most of her earrings and we gave some of her earrings to our little cousins.  I love wearing them and am so grateful for the fun memory we shared, at the ages of 20 and 23, to finally get our ears pierced together.  It's a memory I will always cherish and I'm grateful I have pictures and video of it!

As Christmas time drew nearer this last year I thought of that tradition I wanted to start with my sister.  I decided I wanted to keep it alive by giving my mom a pair of earrings each Christmas in Kimmy's honor.  I thought it would be a good way of keeping that tradition alive and remembering Kimber each Christmas.  I bought my mom a few pair of earrings and an earring tray that said "Enjoy the Little Things".  I wrote the following poem for her:

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Earrings for Christmas
(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

Sisters laughing, playing; discovering Grandma's clip-on earrings

We try them on, posing in the mirror with a special, grown-up feeling

We want to be like Grandma, we want to be like Mommy too

These valiant, strong and kind women; examples good and true

Time goes on, but the holidays always bring us back together

We stay up late each Christmas Eve, talking of all the memories we remember

Dancing to the Christmas Bass, picking out the longest socks we could find

Singing Christmas songs together, keeping all of our traditions alive

Just two short years ago, celebrating Grandma Hunter's last birthday

We sisters decided to finally pierce our ears; feeling giddy like little girls again that day

We excitedly picked out lots of earrings, overwhelmed by the many shelves in which they hung

Gold, silver, loops and posts; Posing in the mirror like we did when we were young

That year my sister bought a lot more earrings; it became a near obsession

Nearly a pair for every outfit she wore-she began to get quite the collection

So that next year I vowed from then on out I'd give her earrings each Christmas day

I bought her two pairs that I knew she would love and she opened that gift with a smile on her face

But what I didn't realize, and could have never foretold, was that the first year of this tradition with her would be our last

That every Christmas after that one would be forever different from Christmases past.  

For my always laughing, loving sister left this earth the very next fall

And since then her presence was forever missed-a void felt within us all

We all said our goodbyes, standing in front of her casket of ebony-white

Grief and loss filled the air as we placed earrings on her left ear and then the right

Bright yellow flowers to signify the sunshine she brought to all others

That her buds brought back from his mission, with matching pairs for me and Mother.

Dad handed me those pearls she was wearing on the last day of her life

And I realized they were her very first pair of earrings that we got together that December night.  

A flood of memories filled my mind; my heart broke that she was really gone

My sister whom I've loved and held dear to my heart my whole life long. 

So now we're left with Christmases ahead, without our sister and daughter 

And we have to find a way to live life as full as possible without her

And although there are times when we feel of her loss and feel empty in every way 

I know she'd want us to carry on traditions and find joy each Christmas day

So to continue this new tradition-to keep the vow I made last year

I want to buy you, Mother, earrings in memory of our Kimmy dear

Please wear these earrings and think of her and all the good times that we've had before 

Knowing she's still here in spirit, and we'll truly be with her once more.  

Every Christmas will bring a new pair of earrings with a new year of memories to make

And we will cherish the memories of the years we were all together; our Kimber we'll never forsake

We'll "enjoy the little things," strengthen love for others, lifting each other up along the way

Finding peace in the knowledge that we will all be forever together one day.
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I know that families ARE forever and that I will see my sister again some day!  I am so grateful for all the memories and fun times we had that I will always cherish.  I love wearing Kimber's earrings and think of her almost every time I put a pair of earrings on.  I love that fun, spunky, beautiful angel in Heaven!

The day we got our ears pierced together

Wearing a pair of Kimber's earrings and one of her shirts

Copy Cat

Avery is now 10 months old and she is definitely interacting more with people!  I love it.  This last week I had a bit of a cough and one day I noticed Avery coughing as well.  At first I thought that maybe she was catching a cold, but then I noticed that she would cough after I coughed, looking up at me with her big eyes and sometimes covering her mouth like I do.  This went on for a few days.  She would cough almost every time I did.  It was so funny and luckily I caught it on video (see below).  Then she started "fake laughing" when I was talking and laughing on the phone and she just learned how to put a phone by her ear and jabber into it.  Cutest thing ever.  She also waves when I wave (sometimes), claps when others clap, and sometimes tries to copy sounds or silly faces I make. 

I started thinking about how Avery learns everything from copying me and others around her, and I thought about how each of us learn about life, by copying others and learning from other people around us.  I thought about how blessed I am to have such amazing parents to "copy" and learn from, and all the wonderful things they taught me and are teaching me about life.  I thought about my amazing friends who have been the best examples to me and all the wonderful things I have learned from them.  I thought about how scary it is to be a parent and how much everything I say and do will influence Avery's life.  I thought about how the Savior is our ultimate example and we should always try to "copy" Him.  All of these thoughts led to writing this poem, "Copy Cat:"

Copy Cat

I smile, you smile; I laugh, you laugh
My joy reflected in your eyes
I wave, you wave; I clap, you clap
You copy-cat me by surprise

You watch my every move; my every emotion and my mood
Trying to learn about life
 I watch you too, as you grow, as you bloom
My sweet baby, you are my lullaby

I cry, you cry; I yell, you yell
You watch for my reaction when you fall
I stare, you stare; I pout, you pout
Happy, sad-you reflect it all

This pattern will continue
As you grow older and you'll see
There are others you can copy-cat
Who are much different than me

So I hope that I can be
A good example in ever way
So you will learn the importance to copy-cat
Those who uplift and not degrade.

Soon you'll come to see
You're standing on your own
Others will copy-cat you
They'll look to you to learn and grow

I hope I can lead you there
Where you're happy with who you are
So you can help others who need a guiding hand
And be a light in this world of dark

But for now I'll take your tiny hands
As I help you learn to walk
I'll guide you through dark hallways
Helping you laugh, teaching you to talk.

I'll pray, you'll pray.
Learning of a loving God
We'll both make mistakes
But I'll teach you honesty and admitting wrongs

I'll try to be strong, happy and real
So I can teach you all I know
I know you'll help me see, help me feel
True love you'll help me grow

Little copy-cat when you copy-cat
Things that make you sad or hold you back
Please know the One you should always copy-cat
Will forever help you get back on track

So on your journey throughout life
As you feel love, hope, sadness, fear
Let's both try to copy-cat Christ always
Know that His love and mine are forever near.  

So This is a Sister

I have a very tender place in my heart for sisters.  There is seriously no relationship quite like a sister.  Sisters have a way of bonding throughout their lives, and they play different roles in each other's lives.  With Kimber, I always felt very protective and concerned for her well being.  I have very specific memories growing up of watching her hurt, physically and/or emotionally, and wanting to take all of the pain away.  I wanted to beat up any boys who hurt her in any way or broke her heart (although she was almost always the heart breaker in every relationship), and I wanted to be there for her through everything.  

Kimber was the fun one.  She helped me feel needed, and she helped me lighten up and laugh.  All.The.Time.  We would be so goofy together and I always admired her spunk and wit, her silliness, and her ability to make anyone laugh to the point of tears.  I always got a major ab workout when I was with Kimmy from laughing.  I remember when we shared a bed growing up and would talk all night about anything and everything.  We had a big headboard and would tie our sheets to the top of the headboard to make a "princess bed."  Around the time when Elizabeth Smart went missing, we would go to sleep holding hands so that if a kidnapper came in to take one of us, the other would wake up and fight him off and yell for help. :) We made up secret handshakes that we would do every night before we went to sleep.  Every Christmas Eve we made it a tradition to still have a sleepover in my room and stay up talking.  We slept in my room the night before I got married and Kimber stayed up with me all night talking about the excitement of the next day.  She always seemed to feel what I felt, as I felt what she felt.

Although we grew a little distant the last few years of her life, I always maintained the protective, loving, and understanding attitude I have always had towards her as my little sister, and she still made me feel important, she still made me feel needed, and she still made me laugh whenever we talked.    

I have always been so excited about watching her grow up and keep learning, making more memories as my sister and "Auntie Kim."  My heart is broken that she won't get to experience everything with me and my family in person, but I often feel her presence and feel her comforting me.  Sometimes I imagine her giving me a hug and telling me it's all going to be OK.  I guess we have switched roles a bit in a way.  I feel that she will help protect me throughout my struggles in life, and I hope she always feels needed and wanted in our family so that she can often be here in spirit.  I will never be as funny and witty as her though...that is a role meant solely for Kimmy. :) 

I will look forward to the day that we will laugh together again.  I look forward to the day that she can tell me, in her happy, high-spirited way, all about her adventures in Heaven and point out to me when she was really here in spirit, with me and my family on earth.  This poem is inspired by the sister relationship I have with her and will forever have.  I wear a bracelet often from Trevor's sweet aunt Deb that says "sisters are forever friends" as a reminder that our sister relationship is forever.  My role as her protective older sister and her role as the fun, silly, loving sister are forever.  If you are reading this and have a sister or sisters of your own, take the time to talk with them, do something fun with them, and enjoy their presence, for sisters are truly a precious and unique gift! 

So This is a Sister

(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

I sat on Mommy's lap, kissed her belly and felt a kick

Mommy said that her tummy was where baby sister lived

"A sister?  What's a sister?" I asked as I tilted my three-year-old head.

"A sister will laugh and play with you and be your very best friend."

Then the day came when she arrived

Her soft skin and dark, thick hair

"So this is a sister" I thought to myself

As I held her on mom's rocking chair

The days flew by and sister could crawl

Then walk, then run with me

She followed me places, I followed her too

Together we both liked to be

Some days we fought, and some days we cried

And some days were really rough

"So this is a sister," I'd think with a sigh

"I don't like to share all my stuff.”

But as we grew older, we grew more mature

We laughed through many late nights

We were silly together, we trusted each other

We made up dances and had pillow fights

Though the days of secret handshakes and princess beds

And imaginary friends were gone

Our bond grew stronger, our love grew deeper 

As time went on and on

"So this is a sister" I thought as I opened my heart to you

You listened and cared

You lifted me up

You opened your heart to me too

I learned of your heartaches, your hardships and heartbreaks

I learned of the demons you faced

As your older sister, I tried to protect you,

I wanted to take all the pain away

As you went off to college and broadened your mind

You learned many a wonderful truth

You did things your own way, you learned from mistakes

You truly loved, shared talents, and grew

But through all the learning, life was still hard

You suffered a difficult fall

"So this is a sister" I thought as my heart broke

I wished I'd kept you standing tall

But I learned of the news that you'd gone from this earth

My heart broke to pieces and bruised 

I didn't know how to live life without my sweet sister

How could I be happy without you

Through my life I felt the void you'd left 

By leaving your family behind

I often cried and thought of your life

You never really left my mind

I grew old and with joy shining in my eyes

Watched my family as they grew

I gave my children sisters

And told them all about you

Then the day came that I left this earth 

I entered the heavens above

And there you were, with arms outstretched

And a smile that spoke of your love

"So this is a sister!" I proclaimed with a voice

That echoed throughout the skies

Our bond is forever, I knew you were here

As my guardian angel in life

We laughed and talked as we did before

Nothing had really changed

You told me about your fun times in heaven

And with you, little sister, I stayed.

The Gift of Life

This week I caught an AWFUL cold and tweaked my back really bad.  Trevor is in Portland with a bunch of pharmacy students (he left on Thursday and flies home Sunday) and I was feeling sad about the fact that he would miss Avery's first Halloween and how busy he is with Pharmacy school and all of his many responsibilities.  I've caught myself complaining many times this week about how I hate being sick and how I don't think it's fair that I got both my parent's bad-back genes, and how I just miss my husband.  My poor parents who have been so awesome to take care of both me and my baby girl have listened to my complaints and responded with love.  My mom made me chicken noodle soup last night and spent the last few days with most her attention focused on Avery and I, lifting us up with her never-failing positive attitude. But this morning, as I soaked in a warm bath and was able to breathe normally for a while, I realized how great a gift life is.  Even though I feel so miserable right now, I can choose to be grateful, and I can choose to make the most of every day.  

 My thoughts floated from feeling miserable, to feeling guilty about feeling miserable, to feeling grateful for all the many things life brings us.  I thought of this beautiful world we live in and the memories I have with my whole family hiking together, as we have done so many times.  I thought of the beauty of the seasons, and how much I love autumn, with it's crisp air and colored leaves.  I thought about the gifts our bodies are, from a truly loving Heavenly Father.  I thought about how our culture idealizes the "perfect body" and degrades any body that doesn't conform to its standards.  I looked down at my stomach, laden with stretch marks, and thought about how difficult it was to embrace this changed body of mine.  But then I thought about what a gift it was to be able to do all the things I can do with this body.  I thought of how great it feels to go on a run somewhere beautiful; the ability I have to see, taste, touch, hear, and smell.  I pondered the miracle of pregnancy and birth and the ability my body has to heal and create.  As I pondered these things, I just wanted to write and express my feelings through poetry.  After I got ready for the day, I wrote the following poem:

The Gift of Life

(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

As I stand atop this mountain

And look out amongst the colored trees

I ponder the beauty of each bright leaf

As I breathe in the autumn breeze

I breathe deeply, in and out

Feel a chill of wonder shake my core

How beautiful this world is

How each moment, each life, builds on the one before

I look down at my hands, they can write, they can work

My eyes such beauty can behold

My lungs can breathe, my heart it beats

The love I've felt worth more than gold

With each deep breath, I think how great

A gift this body is

Through the pains I've felt, with the sickness I've dealt

This gift of life is bliss

My voice it can teach, it can lift others and preach

Of the truths I've come to know

I can sing, I can learn, I can hug, kiss and yearn

To keep building more knowledge and grow

I think of my marks of motherhood

And ponder the miracle of my sweet daughter

How amazing that my body can create another life

Who's spirit came straight from the Father

Why do so many of us spend so much time

Even hours, weeks, months, and years

Hating our bodies, these gifts from above

That should bring happiness, not shameful tears

Why do we covet, degrade, and compare

When we could be laughing, caring, loving

Why do we think such destructive thoughts

When we've been given the gift of living?

In sickness and in health, we always have a choice

To choose gratitude that on Earth we can be

And when those hard times come, when our minds and bodies are weak

Look for help so our souls can see

That the bodies we have are always a gift

That we can always find strength through the pain

That the tears, they will come, and the weakness we'll feel

But we can choose to dance in the rain

Although I still HATE being sick, and although I know I will still have times when it is difficult for me to embrace my body changed by motherhood, I know I can always choose to be grateful or miserable.  There are so many things to be grateful for in life, and I am so grateful to have a body that allows me to do many great things each day.  Life is truly a beautiful gift!

The Parable of the Thorn

 
**Huge thanks to my amazing relative who was more than happy to allow me to share this experience with the social media world and wrote:  "The Lord expects me to be honest about my mental illness and what He does to help me manage what I can.  He has taught me to trust him.  He has shown me what I can do to deal with my depression.  On occasion, He shows me more to do, but it is never enough.  He still must take care of the rest.  Indeed, after all I can do each day, I am saved by Grace."  I admire his example of courageously doing all he can to bear testimony of Christ.  His humble example amazes me!**

THE PARABLE OF THE THORN

A few days before Kimber's funeral, Trevor and I had a long and really impacting conversation with one of my very wise relatives who struggles daily with depression.  This relative talked about the atonement and how he applies it to himself every single day.  He told us that without the Savior's help each day his depression becomes overwhelming, but he is able to accomplish so much and be happy through the help of the Savior.  Then he told me something that changed my life.  He described the parable of the thorn that the apostle Paul referred to in 2 Corinthians 7-10:

7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

To me, this scripture means that Paul was pleading for God to remove his thorn, whatever it was that was holding him back in some way. God explained to Paul, "I gave you this thorn.  I gave it to you because without it you would not turn to me and my Son.  I will not remove it for this purpose, but I will strengthen you through my Son and help you to do so much more with this thorn in your side." Paul's eyes were opened, and he now understood that his thorn allowed him to build a relationship with Christ and be strengthened through his weaknesses.  God loved Paul so much that He gave him this thorn, so that Paul would turn to Him and apply Christ's atonement to become strong through his weaknesses.

I have been pondering this parable ever since this conversation and it has greatly impacted the way that I view and apply the atonement to myself.  I get a ton of anxiety when speaking in front of other people, sharing a talent, teaching a lesson, etc.  I love people and learning from other people but I would rather do all the learning and none of the teaching. :) It has made it very difficult for me to fulfill church callings and live life as full as I would like to.  I have said SO many prayers throughout my life pleading with God to take away my anxiety, to make it so it's easy for me to stand up and bear my testimony anywhere to anyone.  I would always say "If you would just take this anxiety from me, I could do so much more!!  I would be much better at serving you and I could make a bigger difference in other people's lives!"  I have been really frustrated, over and over again, when I go forward in faith and teach a lesson, or share a talent, or do something out of my comfort zone, and I have felt very anxious still.  There have been times when I have felt so strengthened and I have always been able to get through what I've set out to accomplish, but it has been really frustrating to me because I just wanted God to take all the anxiety away.

But as I've pondered the parable of the thorn, it makes perfect sense to me now.  I've thought about all of those prayers, all those times growing up that I have turned to God through my struggles and the help and strength I've received through turning to Him.  I would recognize that help, but still just hate that I couldn't rid myself of the anxiety I struggle with.  Through talking with friends and family members, I have learned of all the many thorns that people deal with in their lives; thorns that don't come from any consequences of harmful actions, they just simply exist.  Some, like my relative, struggle with depression.  Some struggle with a very difficult physical trial, like Parkinson's Disease, lupus, or infertility.  Some struggle with a different mental handicap and some, like my sweet little sister, struggle with a combination of many thorns, making life seem so unfair.  As my relative pointed out to me, Paul did not list what his thorn was and made this scripture a parable.  He was instructed to do this so that we could apply this parable to whatever thorns we may struggle with in our lives.

I have a theory that may not be accurate, but I'm going to write about it anyway.  I wonder if God gives the sharpest thorns to the most amazing and capable individuals.  I look at my wise relative and see how amazing he is.  His children look up to him so much and he is so genuinely kind and compassionate, yet his daily struggle with depression is real.  I think about my sister and how talented she was, how she could make anybody laugh in a second, and how she could do more in a day than some could accomplish in weeks.  I wonder if God knows that these individuals, without their debilitating thorns, would never feel a need to turn to Him because of how capable they are on their own.  I believe God knows our hearts and knows what we need in order to turn to Him. I have met so many outstanding individuals who struggle with things I wouldn't have imagined.  I wonder how different my sister's life could have been if she would have been able to internalize the reality of the atonement and understand that she was not alone, that her pain was understood by the Savior, and that He could help her through ANYTHING.  Please know that I am not saying that people with mental and physical trials do not need any medical intervention if they would solely seek out the Savior's help and apply the atonement.  In fact, I feel that in some cases we receive promptings (I know I have) to either talk with a certain friend or family member, seek the help of a counselor, look for an effective medication, etc.  I do know that this view of God's plan for me has changed my thoughts and feelings towards my trials for the better though, and changed my heart which medication could not do. I also think there are many trials we deal with in life that were not given to us by God, but we can still find strength through the atonement because the Savior experienced all of our pain and knows how to comfort us through everything.

Through this last month, I have never needed so much strength and help in my life.  Participating in Kimber's funeral, let alone trying to even comprehend that we were planning my little sister's funeral and that she was really gone, was extremely overwhelming to me.  My mom wanted to play a violin duet with me and I kept thinking "How in the world am I going to play the violin?  I will be so shaky, and I really don't think I can do it."  I didn't want to speak at Kimber's funeral because of the anxiety coupled with all the other emotions I was experiencing, but I knew I had to do it.  I would do anything for my little sister.  The morning of the funeral, I felt a strength that was not my own.  I felt like Kimber was saying "I will be there with you" and I knew that the Savior was too.  Even though my necklace got stuck on my earrings and my hair as I walked up to play the violin with my mom (haha) I felt so much peace.  It was the first time since my Junior High School days that I felt not one ounce of anxiety as I played the violin.  I felt like the Spirit was so strong and overwhelming, and it brought me to tears.  As I gave my tribute to Kimmy, I felt that same strength help me share what I had planned to say.  I felt like weak things (little old me for example) were being made strong through Christ among all the sadness and despair and hopelessness I had felt.

Yesterday as I was on my way to Syracuse, I was listening to some conference talks I wasn't able to hear during conference.  As I listened to the talk, "Strengthened by the Atonement of Jesus Christ" by Dallin H. Oaks, I was brought to tears.  The whole talk is absolutely amazing!  Seriously, look it up if you haven't listened to it already.  It gives a pretty comprehensive overview of what the atonement means.  He talks about how the Savior understands our pains and afflictions (or thorns, per say) because He experienced them Himself.  That concept is difficult for us to comprehend, that one individual can experience all the pains and afflictions of the entire world; but Christ is not just a person, He is the Son of God.  His part of God's plan, to atone for the sins AND pains AND afflictions (and every difficult thing we ever experience), was developed by God through His love for us.  God loves us so much that He provided a Savior, His most beloved Son, to suffer all that we suffer, so we would have an understanding and loving companion to turn to and help us through life.

God and the Savior make a pretty awesome team.  God knows all, and He knew that we would make mistakes and fall, and He knew that sometimes we'd get prideful and not feel like we needed His help; so God provided a Savior, and God gave us thorns.  The thorns keep us turning to Him and his Son and we receive strength through his Son, Jesus Christ, because He suffered the pains of each of our thorns and knows how to help us deal with them.  And above all, Jesus Christ provided his atonement so that we could make it back to live with God again.  What a wise and loving Father in Heaven we have. :) As Elder Oaks explains, "our Savior is able to comfort, heal, and strengthen all men and women everywhere, but I believe He does so only for those who seek Him and ask for His help....The healing and strengthening power of Jesus Christ and his atonement is for ALL of us who will ask."  What an amazing comfort to know that NO MATTER WHAT happens in my life, I can receive strength through the atonement of Christ because He completely understands me, individually.  All I have to do is ask in faith.  After pondering all of these things and listening to that talk I wrote the following poem:

                  The Parable of the Thorn
                (By Kristen Hunter Laursen)


Please dear God, remove this thorn that's deep within my side
It tears through my flesh, it limits me so, it cuts down all my pride
Oh God, won't you remove this thorn?  Take this burden from me
Without this thorn I could serve you so much, and stronger I could be

Dear child, I gave that thorn to you, out of love and hope you see
Without that thorn I wonder if you would ever turn to me?
Would you ever look up and say "I need you God, I need you by my side
This thorn makes it hard to live my life without your help and light"

Would you try to understand my love for you, would you open your eyes and see
That I gave you my Son, Jesus Christ, out of love, so you could make it back to live with me
He felt the pains from all the thorns in each man's side they bore
He'll bandage the wounds that each thorn cause and make man stronger than before

You'll learn to know, that through my Son, there's nothing that you can't do
There's nothing that you won't suffer, and find the strength to carry you through
You are strong when your heart turns to me, you are stronger than you believe
For Christ is your light, and I am love, and with you we'll always be

So do all you can do and look to me when you feel the pains from your trial
I may not take them all away, you may need to suffer for a while
But in turning to me, you'll gain knowledge and truth you would have rejected before
I'll make you strong, I'll make you humble, I'll make you so much more

I love you child, forever and always, even when you hide from me
If you reach out and find me, I'll always be there; I'll give you eyes to see.
Be patient with yourself, accept you as you are, thorns in your side, too
Look to my Son, Jesus Christ, through your life who will always be there lifting you.


Now I feel an excitement about sharing the reality of the atonement with others that I have never experienced because it has made such a huge impact in my life.  I want to lean on Christ through my anxiety and share all that I am able to share through poetry, music, talking with others, etc.  I feel like there's such an urgency in accepting Christ's atonement in life and I have personally felt that some of these feelings are being influenced by Kimber as well.  Her love for creating things and sharing her talents with others and being influenced by their talents have impacted me in a powerful way.  I want to share things that I would have never thought to share before because of the debilitating anxiety I have experienced.  I hope that I can continue to receive strength throughout my life to share what I can and learn from the many amazing individuals around me.  I am so grateful that we have an all-knowing and loving Father in Heaven who I can pray to any time and who gives me strength and knowledge of His plan for me.  I know that Christ is at the center of God's plan for us and that the atonement is so vast and complete.  I know that the strength I have received through this difficult time is because of the atonement.  I am so grateful that Christ knows my heart and knows how to help me through the trials of everyday life.  I love my Savior and I know He loves and understands us all!