My Obsession

After losing my sister to suicide (such a heavy and terrible word that I hate to even speak of), I have spent countless hours writing poems and songs about Heaven, about feeling her near, about life after death.  I have had experiences that do seem real to me that help me feel that her Spirit still exists, she lives on, she can be a guardian angel in my life.  I have faith and hope which give me so much peace.  I can’t imagine going through this experience without having faith in a loving and all-knowing God and a Savior who will be the merciful judge of all of us and who understands mental illness and all struggles and trials we face in life.

But I want this blog to be real, raw, and honest.  I want to be honest with myself.  And while I have had many testimony-building experiences that have lifted me up and strengthened my faith, sometimes I feel frustrated.  I want answers to questions that can’t be answered.  I just want to see Kimber again.  I just want to KNOW what she’s doing every day, what Heaven is really like, what it will be like when my Spirit joins hers in Heaven.  I feel my mind obsessing over death, over Heaven, over loss, over the possibility of losing someone close to me again.  I am having a hard time trying to find a balance in life, often feeling like a bad mom and wife because I spend so many hours mourning and expressing these deep emotions and internal battles that I didn’t have to deal with before losing Kimber. 

There are days I leave the house dirty, or let Avery play by herself while I try to write a song or a poem expressing how I feel because I feel like I need to get my emotions down on paper or they’re going to control me.  I know this is not right.  I know these days with Avery are short and I need to ENJOY life and stop worrying, stop obsessing, and balance my time more wisely.  I say and feel that I want to do more with my life in honor of Kimber, but how am I “living more” by spending so much time sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing poems and songs when I could be doing something fun with my daughter, a friend, or a family member?  I miss those seemingly carefree days when my family seemed perfect and we were all together enjoying each other’s company.  I miss not having to feel all these confusing and consuming emotions of grief. 

I had a dream last night that I talked with Kimber on the phone, asking her all my questions about Heaven-what it’s like, what she’s doing, every detail I’ve wondered since her passing.  Some of the dream was a little humorous and made no sense, but when I woke up I just laid there thinking about all the questions I’ve wondered and how I just wish I could KNOW what she’s doing and where she is; what it’s like after death.  It’s really an obsession and I don’t want to keep spending so much of my time wondering about all of these questions that I will never get answers to.  I hope that I can find a better balance in my life one day and just enjoy life with all its blessings and good experiences to be made.  Hopefully that day will come.  And I guess that makes this post a bit ironic: hoping that one day I can stop spending so much time writing about all these questions while I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas writing about obsessing over all these questions.  Oh well.  It is what it is and all I can do is strive to do better!  But life is truly like a roller coaster, and I want to express what it’s like for me during the ups AND the downs…so for anyone who cares to get a glimpse of the downs in my individual experience, I’m an open book.  Hopefully some bit of good can come from being honest about what I’m going through.      

 My Obsession

(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)

Months ago when Death had only taken Grandma and Grandpa in proper time

I seldom thought of Heaven; it was a place that rarely occupied my mind

Grandma and Grandpa lived full lives, their spirits surely live on

And when I missed them I pictured them together in Heaven and my mind moved on

But then Death snatched my sister although she called his name and welcomed him in

Her spirit too young to leave this earth, she stopped fighting her battle within

And now I’m left, with mind consumed by questions and soul-searching thoughts

"What’s Heaven, really?  Where is my sister?  Has she found any peace or not?"

I never knew grieving was so consuming, controlling my mind and my time

I try to make sense of the insensible; I want real answers, tangible and right

I thought I had faith, I thought I had hope but at times I blatantly cry

“Where is she now, where is her soul?  Every day, what do we do when we die?”

The dreams, they come, some laughable, some ring true

I often feel my sister near, but then is it real?  I can’t truly prove.

I stand as a witness and testify of life after death, of the Savior’s light

Those things ring true to my heart, the experiences I’ve had give me proof that He will make it alright

But the dreams, the wondering, the obsessing of Heaven-if her spirit is with me or not

I worry my mind creates things that aren’t real in the midst of the trauma of her loss

I feel that reality and Idealism have never seemed so intertwined

As my mind wants clear answers, specific and true; answers I will never find

And another obsession, paranoia to be sure: losing another love too soon

My brothers, my daughter, my mom and dad-they could leave me here alone any time, too

My best friend through life, my little sister is gone.  Now another could easily die

My husband in a car crash, my mom to cancer, could I live through more lost goodbyes?

They say and I say “Her Spirit’s still here.  She lives on in memories.”

And that gives me some comfort, but it’s still never the same-the truth is she’s not here with me.

She’s not here in person. I can’t give her a hug.  I can’t hear her voice; laugh and sing with her

She won’t be an Aunt to my children on earth like she would have if she were still here

I have to live my whole life, without my best friend; convincing my mind she’s OK

That she’s still here in Spirit, she lives in Heaven; she’s finding peace and joy each day

But what is day, really?  What is time, in a different realm, the farthest place?

A place I can never travel to, never prove, until Death snatches me some day

I hate feeling negative, feeling sad, feeling down; but these questions and obsessions leave me empty

A void in my heart, I have to long for my whole life, and I’m only just now in my twenties

I know I have a choice: to choose faith or choose doubt, and my soul clings to, builds on my faith

But sometimes I just really want KNOW what it will be like when I’m with my sister that distant day

Till then, I will try to keep living a full life, try to live more and do more in her name

And fight these obsessions, paranoia, and questions my mind cycles through in vain

I will strive for more hope, more peace, and less doubt, praying to Heaven for help

For whether real or procured, I feel of God’s love, which love cures and uplifts from this Hell.