Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

 

Do you remember when we were little girls, and we’d speculate about our future families? We would spend countless moments dreaming about who we’d fall in love with and what our children might look like, sharing our thoughts with one another in confidence. We would lay close together, soft white sheets pulled up over our heads and tied to the posts on the head of the four-poster bed we shared. We called it our Princess Bed. It felt special and secretive and safe; the perfect place to divulge our hopes and dreams to each other. Wide-eyed and full of endless, imaginative possibilities, we would speculate into the night, the soft light of our lamp on our nightstand lighting our round faces and rosy cheeks as we faced towards each other, whispering back-and-forth.

“I’ll marry a man with dark hair, blue eyes, and tan skin like Prince Eric off of Little Mermaid!” you’d say, your eyes twinkling in the lamplight under the raised sheet. “And I’m going to have four little kids-two girls and two boys-just like our family!” I’d reply. “Me too!” you’d chime in, “Four is the perfect number. With two boys and two girls, everyone gets a sister and a brother and someone to play with.” “Just promise me this” I’d say. “Promise me we stay close our whole lives! Promise me we’ll live next to each other, and our kids will be best friends and play with each other all the time.” “Of course!” you’d reply. “That’s what I want too! We’ll go to the park together and live close enough our kids can walk to each other’s houses. And think of all the vacations we’ll go on when we grow up!”

Little Sister, I can’t count how many conversations like this one I remember having with you over the years. Our shared familial dream became solidified, ageless, as we both grew and expounded upon it. You had an actual dream guy! Your very own personalized Prince Eric. You dreamt him up at age 14 and dreamed of him often since. He always looked the same: tall, dark, and handsome like you pictured as a little girl. You would tell me about these dreams and say “I wonder what I would do if I saw him in real life. I wonder if there’s someone out there who really looks like him. What if this dream guy really exists?” We’d laugh and talk about the possibilities.

But of all the future scenarios we could have imagined, none would come close to the reality of what the future held. We couldn’t have preconceived the reality of your mortal struggle: your mental battles; the fight for survival that you ultimately lost; the demons that robbed you of your dreams and broke my heart in two. I cry for the dark-haired, brown-eyed Little Sister who never got to see her dreams fulfilled. I cry for the Big Sister whose tender heart was so full of hopes for family ties that could never be made, aspirations that could never be met, because of premature, tragic loss.

Yet if I could talk to that younger version of me, of us, I would say that not all is lost: not all hope is gone. As I watch my oldest daughter hold my newborn baby girl, my heart swells with so many emotions. Tears stream down my cheeks as I witness a loving connection rise between my two daughters. As I watch a new pair of sisters be born. My little girls. I cry tears of remembrance as I think of our connection, as I hear my oldest daughter, Big Sister whisper “I love you” in those sweet miniature ears of her new Little Sister. I reflect on all the memories as I look to the future. Perhaps I will get to watch these new sisters dream as we did. Perhaps I will be blessed to hold their children-cousins-my grandchildren-as they talk and laugh as we used to.

Or perhaps their dreams will look much different than ours did. One thing is for sure: life can throw some crazy curve balls at what we think our futures might hold. But among whatever crazy surprises my life may bring, I am so grateful to know sisterly love. You have gifted that to me, Little Sister. And that love does not end! It never will. It is more timeless and ageless than our hopes and dreams ever were. It’s bigger than those failed dreams. And it lives on.

It lives on as I tell my two daughters all about you: our sister bond, the crazy things we did, all the memories. It lives on as I watch my two daughters develop their own sisterly bond. As I love them like I love you. It lives on through the sisterly relationships I gain with friends and family members as our family grows. And I pray that you know, without a shadow of a doubt Little Sister, that you are forever a part of this sister bond magic; this eternal love that continues to give, although you cannot be here physically.

But it truly does continue to give as I feel you here in spirit.  I hear you laugh beside me when my older daughter says something hilarious. She reminds me of your wit. I see you in the deep, dark eyes and dark hair of my baby girl. You live on, Little Sister.

In my heart.

In memories,

In my posterity.

Forever and always.

With All My Love,

Big Sister

 

 

            

Trust God, Not Google: The Lesson Reiterated

In my last blog post, I shared the lesson I learned in a very real, personal, and powerful way to “trust God and not google.”  I wish I could say that I was perfect at trusting God and turning to Him before google, but I am a very imperfect person.  And imperfect people tend to struggle a bit before lasting changes are made.  But the other day, I had yet another powerful experience about putting my trust in God before turning to google that I felt prompted to share here.  I know God is really trying to tell me something here, and I feel so grateful for His patience, grace, and love towards me and all of His children. 

            

Recently, I was experiencing a bit of a pity party in the middle of the night.  I felt hurt, berated, frustrated, angry, and confused.  In the midst of my negative feelings, I wanted answers.  I wanted validation.  I wanted to read about all the other people who had experienced similar experiences and were hurt, upset, and angry too, so that I could say, “See!  I have a right to feel this way!  I am right, and I have the right to feel angry, hateful, and spiteful.”  But with this temptation to “google it,” a gentle impression and reminder came to my mind: “You know that those feelings you will feel and the conclusions you will draw from googling it will not help you in the end.  Turn off your phone and kneel on your knees.”

Over the next several moments, I fought the temptation to google it and I turned to God instead.  I walked into my front room, I knelt on my knees, and I poured my heart out in prayer.  Immediately, I felt an indescribably love fill up my soul.  I felt validation, that it was understandable to feel the way I felt, but much more important than the validation I was seeking, I felt DIRECTION.  Steps I needed to take to make my circumstance better kept coming to my mind.  It felt like a flood of answers I hadn’t known I needed, but those answers made perfect and clear sense to me.  It was absolutely amazing, and the gratitude and love that I felt from God was incredible.

Now, my prayers are not often answered like this one was.  Sometimes I have to wait for responses to come.  Sometimes, answers come from other people, church talks, or impressions days or weeks later.  But I feel like God was really trying to teach me a lesson here, or rather reiterate the lesson I had previously learned: TRUST IN HIM.  The real answers I received from Him are so vastly different from the answers I find when I obsessively google.  While I would have found validation through what google could provide, I would have also felt confusion, victimization, self pity, self doubt, insecurity, and an increased resentment towards others.  Instead, when I chose to turn to God in faith, I found validation, direction, insight, peace, hope, love, wisdom, and truth.

This experience reiterated my need to think before I search, and to turn to God first.  God is the only source who has REAL, personal, individualized answers.  Any answer to any question can be found online, but those answers often cannot be trusted.  God is the only one who has all the answers for every personal life experience.  To block him out is to block out the very source of all the love, direction, and joy every soul craves.

Several days after this experience, I went on a run with my sweet friend Melissa Johnson.  Right in the middle of relaying my experience to her, we came across these signs: “Talked to God lately?” “Now would be a good time.” “James 1:5” We were laughing about the crazy coincidence and took pictures by each sign.  What is James 1:5?  It is the very scripture that led 14-year-old Joseph Smith to pray out loud for the first time in his life.  A prayer that opened the heavens and began the dispensation of times.

“11 While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.

13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James directs, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to “ask of God,” concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

14 So, in accordance with this, my determination to ask of God, I retired to the woods to make the attempt. It was on the morning of a beautiful, clear day, early in the spring of eighteen hundred and twenty. It was the first time in my life that I had made such an attempt, for amidst all my anxieties I had never as yet made the attempt to pray vocally.

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

17 It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"

Over the last several years, I have come to love this account from Joseph Smith.  I have experienced my own “anxieties” and “desires of my heart.”  I have also felt “thick darkness” and felt as if I were “doomed to destruction.”  And although I have not seen a vision of God and His Beloved Son, I too have experienced delivery from despair and destruction.  I too have experienced the light, brightness, and wisdom of God.  And I too, cannot deny the existence of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who has delivered us all from physical death, and can provide peace to every person who turns to Him.

I love that we all hear God differently.  I love that we can all have a unique relationship with God.  We can hear Him in the innocent voice of a child.  We might see Him in the beauty of the blossoming spring or feel His touch in the warmth of the summer’s sun and the crispness or the autumn breeze.  We can know Him through the kindness of a friend and the miracle of giving birth to new life and watching that life grow and change and create a life of their own.  We understand Him through developing our unique, individual creativity, because He is the ultimate creator.  We can breathe in His love and grace through music that touches the soul, the simple love and loyalty of a furry friend, and the hope and change each new day brings.  He is real.  He is as real as you and me.  His existence and His love should not be discounted.  To do so would be to limit the reception of His goodness, wisdom, and never-ending gifts.  To do so would be to deplete life of the hope that comes from this Eternal truth: that God lives.  And because of this, there is no death, there is no end!  Change, peace, and joy can always be found! 

I am grateful for the lessons God has so graciously taught me over the last several years of difficult trials.  I know that He can use our weaknesses, trials, and challenges for our benefit and the benefit of others.  He is wise.  He is good.  He is love.  And his goodness, wisdom, and love should be trusted above all else.  I hope to remember this lesson time and time again when I am tempted to search for instant answers online.  I hope to always remember the peace and answers He provides cannot be replicated by anything else.  He lives, He loves us, and He can provide all the answers we need, if only we will ask in faith. 

Trust God, Not Google: The Lesson Learned

I have found in the recent years that I am a bit of a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (haha oh the irony!)  With the stress and unknowns of motherhood and becoming an adult, whenever I found myself battling a fear-based thought about myself, my life, or close family members, what would I do?  Well, like every other person living in the 21^st century I would pull out my smart phone and GOOGLE IT.  

Within seconds, I had access to an endless number of articles, facts, and discussion boards.  Immediately, I could search out and find the answers I was looking for!  And it was SO easy.  I mean, why not utilize a search bar that contained the answers to all of life’s questions, right?  But what I quickly began to realize, is that while I could find answers to any question on google, those answers did not bring any amount of peace my soul was longing for.  In fact, whenever I googled a fear-based thought, google seemed to confirm the worst of my fears.  And this sent me down a rabbit-hole of googling until I was sure that the worst things were happening to me, and that there was no hope for change in my future.  Why?  Because I found countless articles, facts, and discussion boards to prove it. 

What started out as one seemingly harmless google search in a state of fear, progressed to severe anxiety, paranoia, and a deep and dark depression.  I felt completely hopeless, sure that terrible, previously unimaginable things were coming my way.  I stayed in this pit of despair for several months and it was indescribably miserable.  Until one day, I knelt on my knees and I prayed.  I prayed like I had prayed constantly since depression began to creep into my life: “Hey God, this is killing me.  If you truly care about me, will you please just take this pain away?  I can’t live like this any longer.”  But this time was different.  This time I received an answer.  The thoughts conveyed to my mind: “You need to stop searching the internet.  Stop looking for answers through google.  The peace you are looking for cannot be found online.”  What??  STOP googling it?  Who would have thought, right? 

Shortly after this experience, I reread a conference talk by the beloved prophet of God, President Russell M. Nelson, titled “Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives.”  In this talk, he outlines how to receive personal revelation from God: “Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen! Write the thoughts that come to your mind. Record your feelings and follow through with actions that you are prompted to take. As you repeat this process day after day, month after month, year after year, you will ‘grow into the principle of revelation.’” I continued to read this confirmation from a prophet of God that “Googling It” was not going to bring me any peace: “We live in a world that is complex and increasingly contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation.”

Reading these words, combined with the answer I received from prayer, made a serious impression on me.  I determined to finally, FINALLY stop “GOOGLING IT.”  I determined to stop looking for answers to serious personal questions online and turn to God instead, believing that He would help me change.  I followed the outline President Nelson suggested to receive personal revelation and I changed the way I prayed.  Instead of asking God to take the pain away, I asked Him what one thing was that I could do to change the way I thought and felt.  What was one thing I could do to feel more peace in my life? 

What happened in the following months was nothing short of miraculous.  I DID receive answers.  After I prayed, I would listen, and then I would write down any positive action that came to mind.  Instead of focusing on all my fears of what could happen, I put all of my energy into doing that one thing I felt God asked me to do.  Text a friend, share an experience on my blog, take Avery to the park and really play with her, write a gratitude note to Trevor.  I even felt prompted to go visit my brother in Guatemala and help with his non-profit school, which was incredible and blessed my life in multiple ways.  Quickly, what once felt like consuming hopelessness and despair, was replaced with peace, light, and joy.  As my brother told me at the time, “the best way to stop fighting the darkness is to stop fighting the darkness and turn on a light.”

Nowadays, we have immediate access to so much knowledge, but we are lacking in wisdom.  In my experience, true wisdom comes from He who is the giver of all good things: our Father in Heaven.  Within a relationship with God there are answers no amount of “googling it” can find.  There is wholeness, purpose, and joy no other relationship can fulfill.  There is hope for all, because we all came from Him.  We are all known personally by Him.  And we are loved completely, incomprehensibly, miraculously by Him.  He who has given us life, and all that we have.  He has all the answers and longs to give them to us, if we only ask in faith, believing in His love, believing we will receive.  But a relationship with God takes time, energy, and trust.  And God knows that if He just snapped His fingers and made everything better for us, we wouldn’t grow.  We wouldn’t truly know Him or understand who He really is and what characteristics He possesses.  

I know that no question is too trivial, and no problem is too great to bring to Him who truly cares, who understands, and who has all the answers.  Right now, we are living in a time of fear and confusion since the onset of COVID-19.  Many people are suffering in a variety of ways, searching for answers to their problems.  While it is good to be aware of what is going on, I know that obsessively focusing on fear-based thoughts of what the future might hold does not and cannot yield peace.  Google, the news, articles, etc. can be insightful, but there is only One who truly knows the personalized, individual answers each of us need to find.  There is only One who can provide the peace our souls long for, in and through His son, Jesus Christ.    

Take any question you have to God and listen for answers.  Write them down.  Act.  He wants to help.  He knows the answers.  Look to Him and respond in faith.  As the giver of all life and the creator of the world, there is no limit to what He can do and the miracles He can perform in your life through faith! 

“Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you.  For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” -Luke 11:9-10

My Oil Lamp

Oh my goodness, it has been forever since I last posted!  I've had several posts that I began to write, but never got around to finishing.  But this morning as I was praying, I felt like I needed to post something today and share my testimony in writing.  

A few months ago, I came across a book that my grandma had given me when I was still in school.  It was about the parable of the 10 virgins and each woman was given a specially carved lamp to use throughout their lives.  They needed to visit the lamp maker, the Savior, often to replenish their lamps with oil.  As we know from the scriptures, 5 were wise and used their lamps often, frequently turning to the Savior to fill their lamps with oil, and 5 were foolish, letting their lamps go unused and forgetting their need for the Savior in their lives.  

When I read the story about one foolish virgin in particular, my heart sank as I related to her story.  This woman was given a lamp that looked plain on the outside and didn't seem to compare to the lamps of the other 9 virgins.  She stopped using her lamp because she didn't feel that it was good enough to serve the purpose it was crafted to serve.  But what she didn't realize is that the Savior specially carved her lamp particularly for her, and that in time with a lot of use, an intricate design would shine through, with a beautiful jewel hidden in the center of her lamp.    

Honestly, this last year I've felt like a bit of a hot mess. :)  I found myself comparing my life and myself to others and feeling like I am falling way short.  Satan is really good at helping us see all of our weaknesses, and this last year I've had many times where I have felt very discouraged and lost, then ashamed for feeling discouraged and lost, because I know that I am very blessed and I just shouldn't be feeling those kind of feelings!  But what I have found through my personal trials, is that God truly is aware of me and He does have a plan for me!  He is aware of each of us and loves us all more than we could comprehend.  His love and power is real, and greater than any trial we might experience in our lives.  He has helped me see light through the darkness, and feel joy through my challenges.  

Today as I was driving into Tucson for an appointment, I was thinking about the parable of the 10 virgins and spoke the following into my phone.  I typed it out tonight and decided to share it on the blog, in hopes that I might be able to help someone who might be facing similar difficulties.  If anyone reading this feels lost or discouraged in any way, know that you are not alone, and there is real hope and power through turning to Christ.  He is truly the light and the way!  

My Oil Lamp

By Kristen Laursen

6/12/18

Before I came to earth, I knew who I was.  I knew that God had a special plan for me; that He had good things prepared for my life.  I was excited to come down to earth; to be a part of a wonderful family, and to learn, grow, stretch, and become.

I knew I’d have struggles, I knew I’d have challenges, and I knew I’d have trials.  I knew that I would learn how to truly love, and that I would lose some of those in life that I loved the most.  I knew of the sorrow and pain life would bring, yet I felt so much joy and excitement to come to earth because I knew of God’s glory, goodness and grace.  

Before I came to earth, God gifted me with a lamp, as He did for each of His children, that He had carved so delicately with His own hands. On the outside it looked plain, but I was grateful and excited.  He told me that in life I would need to retrieve the oil required to use my lamp.  I would need to cherish it.  I would need to use it often, every day to light my way along the path of life.  With a smile on my face and tears pouring down my cheeks, I thanked Him with a heart full of gratitude.  I felt determined to use my lamp to the best of my ability, to light my way and help others find their way through life as well. 

And then I came to earth and I forgot.  I was sent to loving parents who taught me of God’s plan; who taught me about faith and love and hope; who taught me from the scriptures.  I had faith in their words, and I looked up to them as examples, but I didn’t know how to use my lamp on my own.  I held it in my hands and my parents showed me how to fill it with oil, how to make it work; and as I watched the flickering flame, I felt excited, grateful, and hopeful.

But then I got older.  I left my parents, seeking out life on my own.  I brought my lamp with me, but I wasn’t ready; I wasn’t prepared.  I wasn’t prepared for the challenges life would bring, and I didn’t truly understand how my lamp could be used to light my way through the darkness of my trials.  So the trials came, and I tried to light my lamp, and a small, dim light shone through it.  But I noticed the plainness of my lamp.  I looked around and I saw the lamps of others, how brightly they shone, how beautiful they were carved, and how much goodness and light and glory shone through them. 

I looked back at my tiny flame and felt confused.  This light wasn’t good enough.  My lamp wasn’t beautiful enough.  It didn’t produce what it needed to.  I was ashamed; I burned out the light, and I hid my lamp. I found myself in complete and utter darkness.  I felt afraid, lost, and alone; not knowing where to go.  I wandered around in the darkness seeking and pleading for help.  “Where is the light?  Where is the light that Christ promised?”

And as I sought and I searched, in time I found it: a light brighter than any other light I’d ever seen.  The light of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  As I approached His light, the Savior said, “Dear child, why do you fear?  Do you not know that I am greater than all things, that I am truth, that I can take what is broken and make it whole?  Take out your lamp, and light it with my love, every single day.  This takes work.  It takes effort.  It takes heart and soul.  But if you take my yoke upon you, your burdens will become light, and you will find joy, and gladness and goodness in your life.”

So I took out my lamp, I felt the rough edges, and I looked at the plainness of it.  I handed it over to Christ and He helped me fill it with oil.  He gently placed it back into my hands and commanded that I use it every day, and as I use it, I will begin to find the beauty in it.  And so with greater fervor and faith, I pressed forward and I used my lamp, letting it be seen by all those around me. 

I glorified God, expressing gratitude that He gave me a lamp, and I used it every day.  I put oil in it as I studied the scriptures, as I learned about the Savior, and as I thought about how I could serve others.  I put oil in it as I expressed gratitude to God for the gifts that I have been given: for music, for poetry, for family, for revelation, for the gospel, for prophets and apostles.  I listened to their words and applied them.  I let head knowledge become heart knowledge as I learned and gained wisdom, and acted in faith.  I tried to serve in any way that I could think of serving.  I placed effort in little things like smiling at other people, making cookies for a friend, writing poetry, sharing my testimony in small and simple ways, and expressing gratitude for the things I was able to do.

As I did this every single day, I noticed that as my lamp was used, a beautiful, intricate design began to appear.  This lamp, it was meant to be used.  And as it was used, the light shone through it brighter and brighter as the design began to manifest itself, and a beautiful, emerald jewel began to shine through it, after years of use.  Others began to see the beauty in it too, and together we shared the beauty of our individual lamps.  I not only rejoiced in what I had been given, but I rejoiced in the beauty of others, for what they had to share as well. 

I felt more connected to God as I sought for the light of Christ to shine through me.  I understood that I had to use my agency to choose to follow Him.  That it was hard.  That Satan knew my trials as well.  He knew what tools to utilize to cause me to want to hide my lamp.  But that through the Savior, through seeking out revelation from the Holy Ghost, and through expressing gratitude to God every day for the goodness that I was able to do, I could let my light shine through the darkness and find my way! As my light shone brighter and brighter and my heart grew with gratitude and joy, love and peace, I found my way back into my loving Savior’s arms.

And with gratitude, I knelt at his feet, with arms outstretched and my lamp laying in the center of my palms, as an offering to Him.  And He said, “Well done, my good and faithful servant, enter into my rest.” I praised His name forever and ever, knowing that without Him, I could do nothing.  Without Him, I am as the dust of the earth.  But with Him, all things are possible.

"Ye are the light of the world.  A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.” -Matthew 5:14-16

My Prayer

Life is hard.  I’ve been listening to Hilary Weeks’ amazing new CD lately, “Love Your Life,” and I love the line in one of her songs that says something like “it seems the people who don’t have any problems are people I don’t know very well.”  The more people I get to know, the more I realize that everyone has their own battles to fight in life.  Everyone has their own problems, trials, and difficult times.  Several friends, who would make absolutely amazing parents, struggle with infertility.  They are doing everything they can to stay faithful and hopeful, and I am sure at times they ask, “Why God?  Why will you not allow me to bring a child into my home when I’m doing everything you ask of me?  You promised me blessings, and I’ve dreamed about becoming a parent my whole life.  Why won’t you let me have a baby?”  Friends and family members battle with severe, debilitating depression or anxiety.  I’m sure they plead with Heavenly Father, as I have, “Why God?  Why am I suffering so much inside?  Why can’t you take this away from me?  Wouldn’t I be able to make so much more out of my life if I wasn’t battling this negativity?”  Others I know struggle with daily physical pain that makes it difficult to live life.  Some have lost their sight, their hearing, their limbs, their memories.  Some spend their lives in loneliness because they were never able to get married.  Many struggle with a wayward child, an unexpected death of a loved one, the loss of employment, cancer diagnosis.  It seems to me at times that the whole world is looking up, asking “Why God??  I know life wasn’t meant to be easy, but why this? I wish it was anything but this.” Adding my own plea to others, “Why God?  Why did my sister and my family have to suffer so much?  Why did she struggle with mental battles so constantly in her life that ended up completely consuming her?”  The day I found out of her death, all I could say was “Why? Why? Why?” over and over and over again. 

The truth is, life is very unfair.  It is very difficult.  More difficult and unfair than I ever imagined it would be when I was young.  But also, the truth is, life is a precious gift.  Among all the craziness and difficulties, we each experience blessings, little miracles among the trials.  Light among the shadows.  Hopeful things that occur every day if we open our eyes to see them.  The people that amaze and inspire me the most are those who face their own difficulties with fierce determination to keep fighting the fight, discover the positives in life, and figure out how to find joy in their journeys.  They take what they are given, and learn how to make it beautiful, no matter their trials.  I’ve been inspired by others, time after time, who tell me trials I never imagined they were struggling with because their life seemed so together and wonderful.  I’ve wondered how they do it.  How do they keep finding the will to fight, how is their faith so strong, and their backs so straight while carrying the heavy weight of their trials?  How I hope and strive to be like them, to have that kind of determination to not only never give up faith and hope, but to lift up and inspire people along the way. 

I wonder if the question that these people ask is not “Why,” but “What now?”  While many feel the need to blame God, others, and themselves for the Hell that they are living (something I battle with at times), spending so much energy on the “whys” doesn’t get them anywhere.  It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  The people who inspire me the most seem to take and accept what life brings, while saying “OK, Lord.  This is how things are.  What now?  What good things can I do with my life?”  The people who inspire me most have taken their trials, debilitating as they seem, and used them to provide opportunities for themselves.  Group therapy leaders and counselors that have struggled with depression for years, now providing hope and help for those with similar struggles.  Parents of a handicapped child reaching out to parents and families with similar children to let them know they are not alone, and providing helpful resources for them.  Elderly friends who have never married or had children have reached out to families, becoming second moms to children around them, giving all of their love and support.  Friends with infertility put their trust in God and keep moving forward, some choosing to adopt, continue rounds of IVF, or looking for other options to determine what is best for their family.  My Grandma Hunter had macular degeneration but still spent hours cooking and providing delicious Sunday dinners for her grandchildren in Cedar City, even though it was difficult for her to read the recipes.  Motivational speakers who have lost limbs or experienced unusual traumatic events choose to learn from them and share what they learn.  Loved ones who battle mental struggles find ways they can serve and give and do something to help other people, although they are suffering themselves.  These people are my heroes.  These people give me strength, and hope, and faith to keep going, and keep trying.    

I know that each of us, no matter what trials we are given in life, can make the choice to ask in faith
“What now, Lord?  Help me to discover what I can do with the life I’ve been given.” We can accept our struggles for what they are, finding ways to learn life lessons from our own experiences, however difficult they might be.  Life is hard and so unfair, but we have God, and we have each other.  I hope to never give up faith among my questions and tendencies to doubt.  I hope to never give up hope among the feelings of despair.  And I hope to notice the tender mercies and the many miracles that occur in life at times that it feels like I am consumed by all the struggles.  Although it may not feel like it, life is a beautiful gift, and each of us can do something to help someone else, and to help ourselves.  Each of us is a child of God with endless potential, and each of us is loved and important to Him, no matter how alone, inadequate, or unworthy we might feel.  Life throws unexpected twists and turns at every one of us, but my hope for all of us is that as we make each turn, we faithfully look up to God and ask, “What now?  What good things can I do with my life?” And that by trusting in His hand, He will guide us forward, so that when all is said and done, we can look back and realize what a beautiful journey life was. 

My Prayer 

By Kristen Laursen
(7/25/2016)

You told me life would be hard, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the self-doubt and resentment
I didn’t expect the negativity I’d have to fight
I didn’t expect all these feelings of inadequacy and anxiety
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would be good, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way the sound of the birds and the bristling of trees would fill my heart
I didn’t expect how music would lift me up and empower me to create
I didn’t expect the beauty I would be witness to on this earth-the red rock, towering mountains, bubbling brooks, and the majesty of the ever-changing seasons
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me grief, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect the way my heart would break in two when I witnessed those I love suffer
I didn’t expect the way it seemed my whole soul quivered with worry of the unknown
I didn’t expect to lose my sister and best friend so soon
I didn’t expect the fear and concern that would ignite the moment she left this earth
I didn’t expect life to be like this

And yet,

You told me life would bring me love, but I didn’t expect this
I didn’t expect how it would feel to be wrapped in the arms of my husband, at times when I needed a friend the most
I didn’t expect how my heart would leap with joy when I heard the first cries of my tiny newborn daughter
I didn’t expect the amount of love and devotion I would feel for my family-the fierce determination to do all I can do to help them find joy
And I didn’t expect the Love I would feel from You.  At moments when I’m too weak to stand, and through pleading for help, You lift me. 

Through the joy and the pain, the grief and the sorrow, the worry and the fear, Your love will always be there, surrounding and strengthening me, lifting me up through a life full of unexpected happiness and sorrows. 

And so, as I turn the corner to the next unexpected-unknown, please fill me with Your love and give me the strength to carry on through it all.  And help me to recognize blessings through the sadness and the fear, the grief and the pain. 

So that one day, when I return Home again, I can feel gratitude and joy for the life I have lived and be completely surrounded by Love.