**Huge thanks to my amazing relative who was more than
happy to allow me to share this experience with the social media world
and wrote: "The Lord expects me to be honest about my mental illness
and what He does to help me manage what I can. He has taught me to
trust him. He has shown me what I can do to deal with my depression.
On occasion, He shows me more to do, but it is never enough. He still
must take care of the rest. Indeed, after all I can do each day, I am
saved by Grace." I admire his example of courageously doing all he can
to bear testimony of Christ. His humble example amazes me!**
THE PARABLE OF THE THORN
A few days before Kimber's funeral, Trevor and I had a long and really
impacting conversation with one of my very wise relatives who struggles
daily with depression. This relative talked about the atonement and how
he applies it to himself every single day. He told us that without the
Savior's help each day his depression becomes overwhelming, but he is
able to accomplish so much and be happy through the help of the Savior.
Then he told me something that changed my life. He described the
parable of the thorn that the apostle Paul referred to in 2 Corinthians
7-10:
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the
abundance of the revelations, there was
given to me a thorn in the
flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted
above measure.
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for
my strength
is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory
in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities,
in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake:
for when I am weak,
then am I strong.
To me, this scripture means that Paul was
pleading for God to remove his thorn, whatever it was that was holding
him back in some way. God explained to Paul, "I gave you this thorn. I
gave it to you because without it you would not turn to me and my Son. I
will not remove it for this purpose, but I will strengthen you through
my Son and help you to do so much more with this thorn in your side."
Paul's eyes were opened, and he now understood that his thorn allowed
him to build a relationship with Christ and be strengthened through his
weaknesses. God loved Paul so much that He gave him this thorn, so that
Paul would turn to Him and apply Christ's atonement to become strong
through his weaknesses.
I have been pondering this parable ever
since this conversation and it has greatly impacted the way that I view
and apply the atonement to myself. I get a ton of anxiety when speaking
in front of other people, sharing a talent, teaching a lesson, etc. I
love people and learning from other people but I would rather do all the
learning and none of the teaching. :) It has made it very difficult for
me to fulfill church callings and live life as full as I would like
to. I have said SO many prayers throughout my life pleading with God to
take away my anxiety, to make it so it's easy for me to stand up and
bear my testimony anywhere to anyone. I would always say "If you would
just take this anxiety from me, I could do so much more!! I would be
much better at serving you and I could make a bigger difference in other
people's lives!" I have been really frustrated, over and over again,
when I go forward in faith and teach a lesson, or share a talent, or do
something out of my comfort zone, and I have felt very anxious still.
There have been times when I have felt so strengthened and I have always
been able to get through what I've set out to accomplish, but it has
been really frustrating to me because I just wanted God to take all the
anxiety away.
But as I've pondered the parable of the thorn, it
makes perfect sense to me now. I've thought about all of those prayers,
all those times growing up that I have turned to God through my
struggles and the help and strength I've received through turning to
Him. I would recognize that help, but still just hate that I couldn't
rid myself of the anxiety I struggle with. Through talking with friends
and family members, I have learned of all the many thorns that people deal with in
their lives; thorns that don't come from any consequences of harmful
actions, they just simply exist. Some, like my relative, struggle with
depression. Some struggle with a very difficult physical trial, like
Parkinson's Disease, lupus, or infertility. Some struggle with a
different mental handicap and some, like my sweet little sister,
struggle with a combination of many thorns, making life seem so unfair.
As my relative pointed out to me, Paul did not list what his thorn
was and made this scripture a parable. He was instructed to do this so
that we could apply this parable to whatever thorns we may struggle with
in our lives.
I have a theory that may not be accurate, but I'm
going to write about it anyway. I wonder if God gives the sharpest
thorns to the most amazing and capable individuals. I look at my wise
relative and see how amazing he is. His children look up to him so much
and he is so genuinely kind and compassionate, yet his daily struggle
with depression is real. I think about my sister and how talented she
was, how she could make anybody laugh in a second, and how she could do
more in a day than some could accomplish in weeks. I wonder if God
knows that these individuals, without their debilitating thorns, would
never feel a need to turn to Him because of how capable they are on
their own. I believe God knows our hearts and knows what we need in
order to turn to Him. I have met so many outstanding individuals who
struggle with things I wouldn't have imagined. I wonder how different
my sister's life could have been if she would have been able to
internalize the reality of the atonement and understand that she was not
alone, that her pain was understood by the Savior, and that He could
help her through ANYTHING. Please know that I am not saying that people
with mental and physical trials do not need any medical intervention if
they would solely seek out the Savior's help and apply the atonement.
In fact, I feel that in some cases we receive promptings (I know I have)
to either talk with a certain friend or family member, seek the help of
a counselor, look for an effective medication, etc. I do know that
this view of God's plan for me has changed my thoughts and feelings
towards my trials for the better though, and changed my heart which
medication could not do. I also think there are many trials we deal with
in life that were not given to us by God, but we can still find
strength through the atonement because the Savior experienced all of our
pain and knows how to comfort us through everything.
Through
this last month, I have never needed so much strength and help in my
life. Participating in Kimber's funeral, let alone trying to even
comprehend that we were planning my little sister's funeral and that she
was really gone, was extremely overwhelming to me. My mom wanted to
play a violin duet with me and I kept thinking "How in the world am I
going to play the violin? I will be so shaky, and I really don't think I
can do it." I didn't want to speak at Kimber's funeral because of the
anxiety coupled with all the other emotions I was experiencing, but I
knew I had to do it. I would do anything for my little sister. The
morning of the funeral, I felt a strength that was not my own. I felt
like Kimber was saying "I will be there with you" and I knew that the
Savior was too. Even though my necklace got stuck on my earrings and my
hair as I walked up to play the violin with my mom (haha) I felt so
much peace. It was the first time since my Junior High School days that
I felt not one ounce of anxiety as I played the violin. I felt like
the Spirit was so strong and overwhelming, and it brought me to tears.
As I gave my tribute to Kimmy, I felt that same strength help me share
what I had planned to say. I felt like weak things (little old me for
example) were being made strong through Christ among all the sadness and
despair and hopelessness I had felt.
Yesterday as I was on my
way to Syracuse, I was listening to some conference talks I wasn't able
to hear during conference. As I listened to the talk, "Strengthened by
the Atonement of Jesus Christ" by Dallin H. Oaks, I was brought to
tears. The whole talk is absolutely amazing! Seriously, look it up if
you haven't listened to it already. It gives a pretty comprehensive
overview of what the atonement means. He talks about how the Savior
understands our pains and afflictions (or thorns, per say) because He
experienced them Himself. That concept is difficult for us to
comprehend, that one individual can experience all the pains and
afflictions of the entire world; but Christ is not just a person, He is
the Son of God. His part of God's plan, to atone for the sins AND pains
AND afflictions (and every difficult thing we ever experience), was
developed by God through His love for us. God loves us so much that He
provided a Savior, His most beloved Son, to suffer all that we suffer,
so we would have an understanding and loving companion to turn to and
help us through life.
God and the Savior make a pretty awesome
team. God knows all, and He knew that we would make mistakes and fall,
and He knew that sometimes we'd get prideful and not feel like we needed
His help; so God provided a Savior, and God gave us thorns. The thorns
keep us turning to Him and his Son and we receive strength through his
Son, Jesus Christ, because He suffered the pains of each of our thorns
and knows how to help us deal with them. And above all, Jesus Christ
provided his atonement so that we could make it back to live with God
again. What a wise and loving Father in Heaven we have. :) As Elder
Oaks explains, "our Savior is able to comfort, heal, and strengthen all
men and women everywhere, but I believe He does so only for those who
seek Him and ask for His help....The healing and strengthening power of
Jesus Christ and his atonement is for ALL of us who will ask." What an
amazing comfort to know that NO MATTER WHAT happens in my life, I can
receive strength through the atonement of Christ because He completely
understands me, individually. All I have to do is ask in faith. After
pondering all of these things and listening to that talk I wrote the
following poem:
The Parable of the Thorn
(By Kristen Hunter Laursen)
Please dear God, remove this thorn that's deep within my side
It tears through my flesh, it limits me so, it cuts down all my pride
Oh God, won't you remove this thorn? Take this burden from me
Without this thorn I could serve you so much, and stronger I could be
Dear child, I gave that thorn to you, out of love and hope you see
Without that thorn I wonder if you would ever turn to me?
Would you ever look up and say "I need you God, I need you by my side
This thorn makes it hard to live my life without your help and light"
Would you try to understand my love for you, would you open your eyes and see
That I gave you my Son, Jesus Christ, out of love, so you could make it back to live with me
He felt the pains from all the thorns in each man's side they bore
He'll bandage the wounds that each thorn cause and make man stronger than before
You'll learn to know, that through my Son, there's nothing that you can't do
There's nothing that you won't suffer, and find the strength to carry you through
You are strong when your heart turns to me, you are stronger than you believe
For Christ is your light, and I am love, and with you we'll always be
So do all you can do and look to me when you feel the pains from your trial
I may not take them all away, you may need to suffer for a while
But in turning to me, you'll gain knowledge and truth you would have rejected before
I'll make you strong, I'll make you humble, I'll make you so much more
I love you child, forever and always, even when you hide from me
If you reach out and find me, I'll always be there; I'll give you eyes to see.
Be patient with yourself, accept you as you are, thorns in your side, too
Look to my Son, Jesus Christ, through your life who will always be there lifting you.
Now
I feel an excitement about sharing the reality of the atonement with
others that I have never experienced because it has made such a huge
impact in my life. I want to lean on Christ through my anxiety and
share all that I am able to share through poetry, music, talking with
others, etc. I feel like there's such an urgency in accepting Christ's
atonement in life and I have personally felt that some of these feelings
are being influenced by Kimber as well. Her love for creating things
and sharing her talents with others and being influenced by their
talents have impacted me in a powerful way. I want to share things that
I would have never thought to share before because of the debilitating
anxiety I have experienced. I hope that I can continue to receive
strength throughout my life to share what I can and learn from the many
amazing individuals around me. I am so grateful that we have an
all-knowing and loving Father in Heaven who I can pray to any time and
who gives me strength and knowledge of His plan for me. I know that
Christ is at the center of God's plan for us and that the atonement is
so vast and complete. I know that the strength I have received through
this difficult time is because of the atonement. I am so grateful that
Christ knows my heart and knows how to help me through the trials of
everyday life. I love my Savior and I know He loves and understands us
all!
